Saturday, June 13, 2015

Been a while

I have no idea what to write.

It has been a while.

Life is ok, I am still learning. About myself, about other people, about how I tick, and why.

Chris is coming to the end of his electrician training, Ashleigh is coming to the end of her A Levels.
More changes are afoot, but when are they not?

I am qualified to judge dogs now but have had to shelve it for a bit as I am having bunion surgery next Saturday. Once I have recovered from that foot, I will need to have the other one done, interesting times ahead!

I accept that I will probably be frustrated as I won't be able to drive for 6 weeks x2 so I am going to need to be patient and be thankful to those around me who will help as much as they can.

I am blessed and thankful to have a good bunch of friends and a great church family, I have finally let them in and it feels good!!


Wednesday, December 25, 2013

So much has changed.. Including me!

Things have been very eventful just recently, seemingly brought about by forgiveness.

I'll explain, in my last post it seemed that Chris and I just couldn't work out our differences. We were stuck. Neither of us wanted to admit we were idiots and neither of us wanted to forgive each other because we were both too hurt.

We tried to have a discussion one day, things got heated, I walked away.

As I drove away, God spoke to me "Look at your tattoo" he said quietly in that still small voice.
"Forgiven" I read. I sat quietly and remembered that in order to have God's forgiveness I too, must forgive. A sobering thought....

I texted Chris and said maybe we just need to forgive each other, what do you think?
Is it possible?
We met, we talked, we decided to try it but not to rush, no need, we were already married and what was there to prove?
It worked, we're back on track and working towards a better future, a future where we can be sure of each other, listen to each other and respectively trust each other to make our own decisions.

God is good. Always....

Friday, August 30, 2013

What's Next?

Things have changed a lot lately, Chris is no longer with us and Ashleigh and I are just getting on with it. We've been doing some DIY and some decorating and just realigning our environment. It doesn't mean I'm not a little sad but life goes on and I feel more relaxed and at ease being the only adult in the home and it's nice not having to think about arguments and suchlike.

Moving on, it's time to be Me.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Marriage, unconditional love, compromise and Borderline Personality Disorder!

Things have been tricky for me lately, which means they have been equally tricky for my hubby Chris.

For those of you who have no idea about BPD it is as follows;


Borderline personality disorder
Personality disorder - borderline
Last reviewed: November 10, 2012.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition in which a person has long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions. These inner experiences often result in impulsive actions and chaotic relationships with other people.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

Cause of borderline personality disorder is unknown. Genetic, family, and social factors are thought to play roles.

Risk factors for BPD include:

Abandonment in childhood or adolescence

Disrupted family life

Poor communication in the family

Sexual, physical, or emotional abuse

This personality disorder tends to occur more often in women and among hospitalized psychiatric patients.

Symptoms

Persons with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values can change rapidly. They also tend to view things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people can change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.

Other symptoms of BPD include:

Intense fear of being abandoned

Cannot tolerate being alone

Frequent feelings of emptiness and boredom

Frequent displays of inappropriate anger

Impulsiveness, such as with substance abuse or sexual relationships

Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as body cutting or overdosing

Signs and tests

BPD is diagnosed based on a psychological evaluation that assesses the history and severity of the symptoms.

Treatment

Individual talk therapy may successfully treat BPD. In addition, group therapy can sometimes be helpful.

Medications have less of a role in the treatment of BPD. But in some cases, they can improve mood swings and treat depression or other disorders that may occur with this condition.

Expectations (prognosis)

Outlook of treatment depends on how severe the condition is and whether the person is willing to accept help. With long-term talk therapy, the person often gradually improves.

Complications

Depression

Drug abuse

Problems with work, family, and social relationships

Suicide attempts and actual suicide

Calling your health care provider

See your health care provider if you or someone you know has symptoms of borderline personality disorder. It is especially important to seek help right away if you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide.


Bearing all this in mind, our marriage looks set to be far more challenging then the "average" one especially if the "sane" partner, indeed also has some of the above thought patterns/ issues.

I do feel for Chris as even though I told him about this from the start, he probably never imagined how it might feel for me to be completely lovable towards him and then shortly after switch to absolutely despising him (and usually me too!). I think it must be incredibly hard to separate out the "disorder" from the person as it seems to be so enmeshed together.

So, the decision is, we keep fighting, we will try to communicate honestly and try not to take it too hard if the other party is saying things that the injured party would rather not be hearing.

We both have so much to learn, watch this space.....

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Struggling

When I was told that I had BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) almost 2 years ago I had no idea if and how my life would change. It has changed and will continue to, I just need to try and be a bit more patient and kind to myself in the meantime.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

EFT and PSTec

Have just spent 5 days in Blackpool doing some Trauma therapy with a great guy called Andy Eckley. We've done a lot of work on my trauma issues and have had some big breakthroughs. I am learning to tap and it is great. I don't mean dance-tap, I mean EFT tap. I will write some more about this when I get home but right now I felt I had to at least make a start.

Friday, September 09, 2011

Changes

There have been lots, change of name, mobile number, New affix, demise of Border Collies and now we have a Papillon too.

Still sorting out the landline and ISP, changing passwords, re-sorting my boundaries etc.

Things are pretty good apart from the PTSD and the Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, they get to me sometimes but are usually manageable with support.

I love Chris now more than ever. My Rock Star.