Worthy Of Love - and beginning to accept it!

Changes

2011-09-09T23:43:00.000+01:00

There have been lots, change of name, mobile number, New affix, demise of Border Collies and now we have a Papillon too.

Still sorting out the landline and ISP, changing passwords, re-sorting my boundaries etc.

Things are pretty good apart from the PTSD and the Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, they get to me sometimes but are usually manageable with support.

I love Chris now more than ever. My Rock Star.

Dreams

2011-06-07T11:42:00.000+01:00

They still affect me and affect the way that I wake up because I still hold the feelings. I am learning to let them go but lately there has been shouting out in my dreams and this bothers me. I am beginning to assert myself in a way that I never imagined possible. Non hostile, non confrontational, it is still a process, I am still worthyoflove and I am still learning.

A-Ha - Take On Me (Video)

2010-09-10T18:01:00.000+01:00

Summer 2010

2010-08-17T22:32:00.000+01:00

I'm enjoying the Summer with my lovely kids, so much good is in my life and I'm so thankful for that. There have been plenty of changes of late and some old friends have returned to my life. I seem to have also lost some of my favourites just through their lives being so busy but they are very much in my thoughts and prayers.

I would love to blog more and will endeavour to do so in the future, probably September. I am writing my book and so most of my computer time is going there right now. I am praying for all my loved ones who need a dose of Jesus in their lives, that's all I need to say right now.

Divorce

2010-05-08T16:32:00.002+01:00

Sad but true, enough said for now, need to get the right words together to blog on this subject and need to articulate it intelligently and emotionally well.

Is possible.

Reasons and excuses. A bit of loose psychology and a bit of what God says on the subject.

2010-03-31T10:26:00.000+01:00

I have been deep in thought a lot lately.

I have been thinking about the reasons that I, and other people do things. It's actually not as complicated as I first thought. Recently I invited two people to a drama performance that my daughter is in. I thought that as these people are family members, of course they would want to come. Over time, every excuse that these people could use to get out of coming, came out.

This leads me to an interesting place. A difficult place, but definitely one of interest. If these people genuinely wanted to come, then I imagine that wild horses wouldn't stop them but as this is not the case it has led me to believe that they simply don't want to come. Now I think it would've been better to have just said that in the first place rather than have us believe that they actually wanted to be there.

Why don't people say what they mean and mean what they say? If one of them had said at the outset, "actually thanks for the invite but I don't really want to", ok I might've been slightly taken aback but it would've made things clearer, rather than 3 weeks down the line, coming up with every excuse under the sun and then us coming up with possible solutions for them, that actually, they don't want anyway.

I do get so tired with dithering about with people who are not clear about their intentions. Initially the invitation was like this; " Daughter's in drama performance, would you like to come?" It could've been stopped at the beginning with something like "That's kind that you invited me, but no thanks, I don't think I will." I wouldn't have asked for justification, I would've just said, "Ok, would you like me to invite you to future ones or would you rather I just didn't ask." The trouble is with these particular people, one is quite forthright and the other "hides", the second person usually says yes and then obviously wishes that they hadn't, but if they could just find the word no and use it in a non-aggressive way it would be fine and then they wouldn't need to find, not reasons, but excuses, weeks later.

Of course, this is also a case that I have to take responsibility also. I have to do a bit of careful self-examination and ask myself, "How many times have I taken on things, tasks and attended functions that I really wasn't happy about?" The answer to that is lots of times. I have often taken on commitments that I wasn't really happy to commit to, and it has left me feeling resentful and angry at myself. Angry because I felt that I was unable to say no at the time and ended up kicking myself later because it was more than I was happy to give. It also left me feeling unrighteously angry at the person who asked me because I wished they hadn't. I could've said no, of course I could but I now know that I was scared of what people might think of me and if they might think that I didn't like them enough to put myself out or if I was purely selfish.

God says that he loves a "Cheerful Giver", so for me the bottom line is this, from here-on-in, if I am happy to give something, time energy, finance etc then I will give it gladly, but if there is an uneasy, restless feeling in me somewhere, I will go back to God and talk to Him before I make any decisions that could be potentially harmful to me or others. I am a work in progress and am glad of that.

++Thank you Lord Jesus that you always communicate to me in a way that I can understand, thank you for putting people in place, who help me unravel my tangled mess and put it into an order that is more useful. Thank you that I am growing as a person and please help me to be less fearful of man and to remember that "No weapon formed against me will prosper".

Amen xx

Tunisia

2010-03-04T14:56:00.000Z

I just got back from Tunisia a few days ago and loved it. I have a lovely tan to show for my time out there and some new friends that I very much hope to stay in touch with.

The weather was amazing, the people were very friendly and I have written reams about the whole experience but that will take a while to sort out. I danced soooooooo much that week, not to mention I swam lots and went to the gym and did some aerobics too, so not an inactive holiday at all. I did enjoy relaxing by the pool though and drinking far too much red and white wine! (Oopsie!!)

As this blog is not private there is only so much I can really say, but I enjoyed N Dubz massively on my MP3 player and I learnt a whole new skillset in dealing with pushy characters and being able to verbalise not only what I was about but how I felt, in the moment as opposed to dwelling on uncomfortable feelings only to explode at a later date.

Thanks to Terry for making me laugh and to Sue and Keith for being excellent company. Also a big thanks to June for bringing out the counsellor in me and making me feel valuable and somewhat useful.

I will continue with this when I feel a bit more grounded, at the moment I am adjusting to family life, walking and training the dogs and trying to work out some practicalities of life. It's all good but all time consuming in the emotional and psychological department.

I hope I never forget it, it was well worth going but purely on a developmental level.

But Sun, I miss you, I miss your strength and warmth x

Busy, busy!

2010-02-12T10:20:00.000Z

Kiefer is having a Birthday Party tomorrow, on Wednesday he'll be 5!! So hard to believe but am so busy but must blog more, I miss it.

Lots of snow

2010-01-09T12:00:00.000Z

We have had quite a lot of snow lately. Gary, Ashleigh and Kiefer were all off school and college for Wednesday and Thursday and then the boys (Dad and Son) went back to school and college on Friday. We have had a lot of fun including going down out local field with our 3 dogs and just hanging out chatting to people, sledging, snow sculptures (mainly Kiefer) and a few well-flung snowballs!

It has been a nice week, yesterday having just Ashleigh all to myself without the boys was just lovely, we planned tea and Ashleigh pretty much prepared it all without much assistance from me. She's growing up so much and I love her so much. I am beginning to really appreciate her for who she is and not feel the need to force any unwanted opinions on her. I love her taste in music, she's into Linkin Park and Paramore right now. Her new Paramore CD turned up this morning and I was thrilled on reading the acknowledgements to find out that the whole band are Christians, so good.

I am just taking one day at a time at the moment and I think that's best for now. It's pure madness to go putting too much pressure and expectations on myself so I'm going to try not to. I feel in a good place and I'll do my best to stay there, and for now, that'll do.

2009-12-27T06:29:00.002Z

The human mind is indeed a complicated thing, it's not difficult to be torn in so many directions, especially when you have a family too.

For example, it is almost 6.30am and I am up early because Ashleigh's pup, Eva needed a wee. I would've gone back to bed, but I couldn't as my mind is racing. Therer are so many things I would like to do, things that appeal to me. I would like to try and write some of my "book" but I have so many ideas I don't know which one to get down first. I would also like to pick my cross-stitch up at some point, I also need to make sure that today I have enough energy to walk the dogs as we didn't go out yesterday and I need to get the house back in order now that Christmas day is behind us.

Then when I think about my "book" there are so many ideas in my head, so many plots, so many ways of thinking that my mind is a labyrinth of unexplored corridors and full of colourful characters and possible beginnings, middles and endings. I am a little surprised at how busy it is in there to be honest. I am feeling frustrated cos I haven't tried to do something this big before, I believe I am capable but I need some advice I feel. I think I could well end up with a co-writer and I believe it may be Ashleigh, we could be the next PC and Kristen Cast, so to speak.

I hear footsteps on the stairs, I think it's Kiefer so my peace is now shattered anyway, time to begin Mum duties for the day, and the author in me goes back in her corner to think of some more plots and endless possibilities.

Have a good day!

2009-11-19T11:32:00.001Z

I have just been trying to copy and paste a poem that God and I wrote back in February 2006 in Lebanon. I know that I have done this before but for some reason I don't seem able to do it today, strange...

Will try again later.

2009-11-09T14:43:00.002Z

We've been so busy that it's virtually untrue. I have got a broken finger at the mo which makes typing really hard. So frustrating as I would love to get on with writing my book, I spose typos don't really matter as I can do the spellcheck afterwards but I'm just not used to running it. Will try and be better at updating, the main thing is that everyone here is well.

2009-10-02T23:52:00.001+01:00

Excellent week with Kiefer, rather exhausted but thankful that we have come so far. I can see the progress now and it feels good.

2009-09-18T23:33:00.002+01:00

To tie up loose ends is a good thing and something I will always recommend and approve of in people.

Grief - and what you do with it.

2009-09-18T22:58:00.004+01:00

I don't have the answers but I'm just beginning to realise how many people I have watched die since the age of 4. I have been over-exposed to death and I believe that it's taken its' toll.

The first person who impacted me in this way was my best friend at school, a little girl called Anne. Anne had leukemia and wore a scarf on her head, I remember knowing that she was sick and I knew that she was really sick.

The thought that one day she would be gone and I could never see her again just wouldn't have occurred to me at that age, my mind couldn't have coped with that. Not surprising that my mind found inventive ways to block out painful memories and pain.

But she did die....... I don't remember anything about it.....so I am double grieving, grieving my friend and grieving my memories, because I don't have them. I know they're in there somewhere but I can't locate them. Somewhere in my mind is a secret, complicated filing system, password protected and I can't access my own information. How bloody frustrating!!!

I am feeling a bit sad tonight and a bit annoyed at how my own childish cleverness at a tender age appears to have backfired on me somewhat.

Maybe the next post will be happier but frankly, who cares? No-one reads this anymore that I am aware of anyway, I think I'm off most people's links pages now so hopefully there won't be any negative comeback for this blog entry.

We'll see.

Boundaries

2009-05-14T07:51:00.003+01:00

How many time this subject has been covered in the last 7 years years I don't know but they still need work. Does it mean I am mad to keep making other people happy at the cost of my own happiness? Yes, but I discovered last night that I have a partner in crime who is just as bad as me. We need to help each other more rather than encouraging each other to remain stuck in the cycle of unhelpful behaviour. It will be tricky but worth it.

Maybe I'm back

2009-05-13T15:46:00.003+01:00

I just realised that things went more down the swanny when I didn't blog.

An attitude of thankfulness is a discipline and I was beginning to forget all about it.

So much has happened since last October I hardly believe it. Not much I really want to mention publicly because some of it is really horrible and involves me being a really horrible human being towards immediate family.

To break it down, I am a little ashamed of some of my mistakes but the thing about mistakes is that I can learn from them.

I am going to try to blog again. So hard when you've got out of the habit. The things going on round here right now are;

I'm job hunting, Gary is going to continue as househusband because that's what suits our family for now.

Gary is fine, enjoying going to circuits and started going to the gym again.

Ashleigh is doing grand at school and is just lovely really. She has been finally seduced by the Stephanie Meyer "Twilight" series and also by the Junior Handling dog bug. We hope to get her a puppy in October, all being good.

Kiefer is soooo tall, and skinny!! His jeans don't fit and he has to wear a belt....bless. His learning is progressing well and we are trying to help him to air his frustration in healthy ways, not easy but we're getting there.

Missi is lovely, just had her 11th birthday.

Nika is lovely too, 8 months old now, mad as a hatter but showing her socks off!!

The Dream

2008-10-17T03:59:00.003+01:00

It is Friday 17th October. I dreamt this it is 4am and I woke up crying so am trying to remember it all. My only sibling is a sister who is ill and it is on my mind at the moment.

The Ice King and Queen had adverts in the paper for things that belonged to the younger sister who was sleeping. The older sister didn't like what they were doing so she tried to stop them selling the younger sisters' things. She tricked the King and Queen and said that she couldn't find things when people came knocking on the door, but the people who knocked were rich and famous so when the oldest daughter couldn't find them, the parents got angry and hit her when the callers had left.

Meanwhile the younger sister slept, unaware of what was happening. She had never spoken but was a weapon of great strength which the King and Queen used to control the older sister, who was easily frightened.

The oldest sister built up a lot of rage and hate for the King and Queen because of the way that her parents behaved and one night a famous couple who were known for their singing, and who were dressed in bright colours came knocking. The wanted the bedding off the younger sisters bed, and even though she was sleeping they woke the older sister and ordered her to go and get the bedding from her sister.

The older sister was terrified as her sister slept a lot and ddin't wake often, but deep down the older sister knew that when the younger sister woke she would be angry and fly into a terrible rage. She went to her sister and somehow managed to get her pillowcase without her sister waking and took the top blanket but was worried because she knew without it her sister would be cold and would surely wake up.

She took the blanket and pillowcase to the famous couple and quietly told them not to buy any more things from her parents because what they were doing was wrong. They handed her the money and left via her parents bedroom which was covered in furs in bright purple and pink. She led them down a spiral staircase and they begged her to come with them. They said they would take her somewhere safe and take care of her. She wished she could go but said she could not leave her sister but thanked them.

They left and the younger sister woke from her slumber and began screaming. The older sister had known this day would come and was very scared. She had the money in her hand and she knew her parents would not protect her. The younger sister hit her and the parents came running. They didn't try to stop the younger sister from attacking her older sister and just stood and watched with blank faces.

The older sister begged them to help her but they would not. She tried to shout at them but the words froze because the air was so cold. Sometime later the older sister handed the younger sister the money and pointed at the King and Queen. The younger sister seemed to understand the parents were at fault and turned on them. The parents pointed back to the older sister and said that it was her doing. The younger sister was confused and didn't know what to believe, the older sister was crying hard and was trying to explain, but again they just froze in her mouth.

Eventually the parents stepped in but encouraged the younger sister to hit the older sister. The older sister finally got her words out and cried "I am not your enemy, it is them making me take your things. Rich people knock on our door and they pay our parents for what is yours. They never come and take your things, they make me do it." The younger sister looked sad and came and took her sisters hand. She looked confused but shot a look of anger at her parents and turned and smiled at her older sister. She wanted to trust her, and they were now old enough to leave.

They went to the parents room and took some money, put on some of the furs and headed for the door. The Ice King and Queen looked angry and disappointed but the younger sister finally learned to speak and told them that she and her sister were leaving. The King and Queen tried to stop them and started shouting bad things about the older sister which made the younger sister angry and the older sister scared. The younger sister tried to attack her older sister again but the older sister said "Please don't hit me, I knew this is all new to you but I will help you to talk and you will never have to fight again. Please trust me." The parents seemed unable to be parents and try to explain why things were this way. They were like children themselves and their behaviour was frozen too. Nobody left the Ice Kingdom, they just stayed there, trapped until they died. The older sister decided she needed to be brave and again asked her sister if she was coming to the free land where all the living people lived. The Ice Princesses left and never looked back. They felt sad because it seemed as though their parents would stay frozen but they left and became friends who learned to love and laugh with each other.

THE END

Prayer Request

2008-06-30T12:46:00.001+01:00

We were supposed to be going swimming, but it was full. So we went to the park instead and there was a little girl, aged 2.5 called Evie there with her Grandma. Evie has had ongoing stomach problems since she was born and I promised the Grandma I would pray for her, which I will, but would my friends please join me??

Thanks guys, you are a faithful bunch!!

Papa Roach

2008-06-23T11:47:00.002+01:00

"The scars remind us that the past is real!" from Papa Roach "Scars"

Anyone who has ever seen my left arm will know that the past is definitely real, even though I am being accused of being untruthful. Stuff them, God knows the truth and I know that is what really counts.

I am forgiven. Now I have to learn to truly forgive, this is the tough part.

Tough stuff

2008-06-23T11:35:00.003+01:00

Not much time but basically all the sordid stuff from my biological family has come to the fore and it is far from pleasant. A big fracture has ascended upon my family and this is stuff that only Jesus can do.

Please Just pray, I am NOT sure of how to handle any of it right now.

Apologies

2008-04-23T13:38:00.004+01:00

For anyone I sent the email to about the dog being publicly starved in an Art gallery, I have found out that it was a hoax, but kind of a good one. Please read it, it's a lot better than I originally thought. I really must learnt to be a little less impulsive.

And again, please accept my humblest apologies I meant well.

Amanda xx

2008-04-11T16:47:00.000+01:00

The Yellow Teddy

Thirty-five years later, she finally sat down and studied the old yellow teddy. He needed quite a bit of work doing, especially since he had recently been played with, by her three year old, son.

The seams on his left shoulder needed stitching and also the seam down his back. Thankfully the pink, tie-dye vest he had been wearing for the last twenty-one years had reduced body wear, but the poor old boy was looking a bit worse for wear and was in desperate need of some attention.

Her husband commented that maybe he had torn seams because someone had hidden secrets inside him. She was pleased that her husband was on the same page as her, at last.

2008-03-20T00:33:00.000Z

Updated Kiefer's blog a a bit. Take a look.

Holiday snaps

2008-02-28T11:33:00.003Z

We are back, without bruise or blemish. We had a good time and Ashleigh recovered from her sun stroke but she is home today just to be on the safe side.

We had a great time, learnt loads and made some amazing new friends who we intend to stay in touch with. I made friends with a lady on the flight called Diane who was amazing and I learnt lots and then in the resort itself I made friends with a lady, called Julie who is a nutritional therapist. The things she told me made so much sense She also had an interest in homeopathy and had a little kit with her which in in very useful on a few occasions.

Will try and blog more later but for now there are some new pics to keep you going.

SOS FOR ASHLEIGH

2008-02-24T01:38:00.002Z

THIS IS AN URGENT PRAYER REQUEST:

WE ARE ON HOLIDAY IN THE CANARIES (ME AND ASHLEIGH) SHE HAS THE WORST SUNBURN I HAVE EVER SEEN AND I AM SERIOUSLY WORRIED PLEASE PRAY FOR HEALING FOR HER AND PEACE FOR ME:

thanks XXX

Music

2008-02-15T21:32:00.002Z

Lovig Youtube at the moment, currently listening to stuff from the 80's like Nik Kershaw, A-ha, Go West, Duran duran, Wham etc

Good times, but too emotional. Watching Morten harket getting smashed up in "Take on me" and Nik Kershaw all torn up in "Wouldn't it be good" is almost more than I can bear.

Next thing you know I'll be watching Starship, remember them?? Another one hit wonder from a soundtrack. As for Soundtracks I love The Lost Boys soundtracks right now it kicks butt. I am making sense of my youth and re-feeling some of the feelings I wasn't allowed to own back then, all very healing!!

2008-01-31T20:30:00.000Z

Things have improved and I am beginning to feel loved again.

Brokenness

2008-01-27T21:29:00.000Z

It has all been very strange of late but I am holding on to God fast. It's not every day that someone who you believed would always love you, says that they no longer do.

My world and heart were shattered and that is the absolute truth.

I am beginning to see things I didn't see before. I really didn't know that my state of mind would affect others in such a negative way.

But it has and it makes me sad. Now I understand more I can draw a line under the past events move on and walk away.

Easier said than done, but I'll give it a go.

Back home.

2008-01-24T21:52:00.000Z

Back home. Not sure what will happen next so just keep praying.

quick update

2007-12-20T13:06:00.000Z

I am fine.

Me and Ashleigh are living in a women's refufe which has turned out to be quite ok really. Initially I hated it and really wanted to go home but now I have got my head round it and feel quite content there.

I do miss Kiefer and don't see him as much as I would like, but some of that is due to my work schedule and Ashleigh's school and drama commitments, which thankfully we now have a little break from. I am also still going to the chiropractors rehab unit twice a week to get my core strength up. Sadly, this was put back a bit following a physical assault that I endured (not Gary!) but slowly I am recovering.

Work is fine (M&S) but it looks unlikely that I will be there past January 5th. There are vacancies available but most of them want you to work at least one weekend day and as a single parent that is just not possible as I like spending time with my kids and I don't really have anyone else to take care of Ashleigh anyway. I have got to decide now whether I want to find another job for now or whether I just take a break for a bit. I will just pray a bit and see what happens. That's it for now but I am alive and kicking and very well and that is what counts.

I am thankful for God to getting me this far and I have learnt a lot about myself, both good and bad. I hope I shall be a more "whole" person at the end of this latest "blip". It is however, quite sad that marriage number 2 has come to an end and yet again I feel as though I have failed. God will help me through it though and I am sure of that. I am still His child and He still loves me and that is one thing to be certain of, now I just have to forgive myself which is why I have just started reading R.T Kendall's latest book "Totally Forgiving Ourselves".

Hey-ho off we go.

It shouldn't happen to Christians.......

2007-12-01T12:31:00.000Z

Well, that is just not true cos it does. In the Bible Paul states that "in this world we will have trouble" just because we choose to walk with Jesus it does not mean that we are immune to the decay of modern-day society.

http://www.survivedv.org.uk/

However I WILL survive and this time next year I will look back on the experiences of this year and be thanking Jesus for getting me and my precious daughter through it, in fact I am already thanking him.

Can I just scream please?

2007-11-29T20:16:00.000Z

Challenges and opportunities;

Challenge - to not speak badly of people who have hurt me.

Opportunity - to learn some new behaviour patterns and coping mechanisms.

It is tough but I am just plodding on.

This is all I can do right now. Work, parenthood, sleep, all take up my time. Thank God for my parents.

Jon Pike's Launch

2007-11-24T23:14:00.000Z

Tonight I had the pleasure of taking myself and Ashleigh to Jon Pike's Album Launch. at Woodlands Church, Clifton. I don't actually know Jon, but I know his wife Julia as we were brought up going to Chelsea Church. I absolutely adored Julia and Vicki's parents as I was growing up and had the pleasure of staying with them for a short time just recently.

Ashleigh wasn't keen but after a bit of a chat about how it is sometimes to try things which we wouldn't normally do she finally came along - cheerfully.

The first thing that happened was that Dennis (Julia's dad) was on the door along with his nephew Neil who I had the pleasure of going through my teen years with. We didn't exactly get on but it was still nice to say Hi.

I looked around the church and was gobsmacked by how many people I knew. Due to my time spent at Chelsea and BCC (Bristol Community Church) there was an incredible amount of faces that I knew and loved in that place. I felt quite overwhelmed to be honest.

The minute that we sat down, Ashleigh's coccyx injury started acting up. She was in so much pain I thought I would have to take her home. In complete defiance to the enemy (who needs a kick up the backside!) I just put my hand on her back and prayed. Within a minute or so she was comfortable again and able to stay for the treat that awaited us.

More tomorrow if I get time.

Says it all really.

2007-11-21T23:36:00.000Z

A Daily study that gets emailed to me.

Today's Verse from the New Living Translation

Don't befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people, or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul.
Proverbs 22:24–25 view in context

Encouragement for Today

These verses give permission to avoid close relationships with angry or "toxic" people. You may not be able to avoid them altogether—they may be members of your family. However, you can avoid getting too close. You can avoid constant association with them. You can be pleasant and kind, but keep your distance. These verses imply that angry people are actually dangerous to your soul. They'll bring you down to their level, every time. You become like those you associate with regularly.

Having a Blast!! Official Warning on this post: Past Emotional Murkiness. If you don't want to know where I have come from go surf elsewhere.Part 1

2007-11-05T13:56:00.000Z

I began this post at 12.30 pm on Friday 7th September 2007 Music is dominating today. The Backstreet Boys are really speaking to me. Bring it on!! Also speaking are N-Sync and I'm sure that I will discover some more along the way.

This post will proably be in parts and take some time to work through.

It is Spiritual release - honestly! Years ago I had a word about "The deliverance being in the singing behind closed doors." I am finally in that place and I am loving it. Trouble is I can't seem to have it loud enough. I need a cottage in the middle of nowhere and I would be out dancing in the fields with lots of dogs. That would be ideal for me right now.

I think the clues are in the years that the songs were released.

Backstreet Boys - As long as you love me -1997- Ashleigh was a baby and after the pregnancy fuss I felt abandoned and rejected. Left alone to raise a child and suffereing from post-natal depression which went undiagnosed. Didn't feel loved and desperately needed to but no-one seemed able to fill that gap. Still managed to keep an impeccable house and train 4 Border Collies although God only knows how. Borderline OCD. Trying to earn what Jesus had already given me.

Backstreet Boys -All I have to give - 1998 -Gave up on my first marriage, began looking elsewhere felt unloved, unwanted, rejected and devastated that marriage did not hold the promise that I so hoped it would. Could not see that I was largely to blame with my unhelpful and unrealistic expectations. Spent most of my time being horrible to Chris and alienating Ashleigh from him. In the back of my mind was the thought that if she didn't get too emotionally attached to him, it wouldn't hurt her so much when he left and I always knew he would.

Savage Garden - Truly Madly Deeply- 1998- Fell for someone bigtime, trouble is I was still married. Started having an affair. Felt alive, excited and worth something again. The lies and deceit were killing me inside though. I knew that God was not happy with my behaviour but I just carried on regardless. The song convinced me that I was Truly Madly deeply in love and the love affair with Savage Garden, but particularly Darren Hayes began at that point too. It is still something I battle with. Do I appreciate Darren for the talented and emotional human being that he is or allow it to become something obsessive and unhealthy? I think not!! I am glad I now have "brakes" unlike the reckless young female that I once was and still have a part of that same person living within me. (Sometimes that part of me is still allowed to see the light of day and that is a work in progress.)

N-Sync - I want you back -1998- My ex-husband kept trying to keep me married to him despite the fact that I was not remotely interested in him.

Larger than Life- 1999 - Fell in love with someone (again) with someone who was really bad for me. Loved him so much I would watch him sleep and cry silent tears over how physically beautiful he was. I still wonder at times if I will ever fully let go. I still hold a fragment and I have to bin it, but I am just not willing to right now.

I want it that way- 1999 - still totally besotted but beginning to realise how mentally and emotionally abusive that relationship was, plus he was always finding fault with Ashleigh and I was beginning to hate him for criticising my perfect, beautiful daughter.

Savage Garden - Crash and Burn -2000- Ready to end it all. Life had got very hard and I could not see any other way for it to end. God sent a very good friend on a very bad day. Without him I wouldn't be here. Truly an Angel. Thank you David. I will always be thankful for the person that you are.

Show me the meaning of being lonely -2000- That was the year I returned to God. Found some amazing friends at nursery who helped me and gave me the prayer backing (unbeknown to me!) and strength to get out of that relationship.

The Shape of my Heart -2000 - My heart was in bad shape and I think it still is in some ways, it is healing but it is incredibly slow.

N-Sync - This I promise You -2000 - I promised God that I would live the life He wanted me to live and to beging to sort myself out and forgive myself for all my majestic mistakes!

N-Sync - Bye Bye Bye -2000 - Bye bye to the old life and on with the new resurrected one. Also very sad to lose some very good friends in the chaos but knew it was for the best until I was a stronger person in a different place.

Quick piccy catch up

2007-10-08T23:12:00.000+01:00

Have posted on pictures on Kiefer's blog if anyone would like to see what the rascal has been up to.

As for me, well Ashleigh had a birthday and we had acouple of special people over for tea. My gorgeous god-kids Paul and Gemma, it was so good and so emotional just catching up together.

Good times!

A sad thing though, my counsellor of 5.5 years has now left Bristol so thought I would post a pic of us together, she has helped me so much. Goodbye and God Bless to Julie.

We also went to Dan and Lisa's wedding a good while ago but I have been too frazzled to do photos.

Del-boy

2007-10-02T09:08:00.001+01:00

Picture 359, originally uploaded by worthyoflove.

This is the handsome lad that I am helping Mum to look after whilst she has a splint on her hand. I have got quite fond of the gentle giant lately, he is a very sweet boy with a lovely disposition.

Mum has decided that as her arthritis is getting worse she is going to find Del a new home. I completely understand as Mum is in her 50's and the roads leading to the yard she is at can at times, be treacherous. I think she has also lost some of the enthusiasm she used to have as such large beasts can be potentially dangerous at times.

I feel quite torn in my emotions about all this. In a way I am glad to see Mum accepting her limitations gracefully and in other ways it will seem strange to know that Mum no longer has a horse as she has had horses since I was 14 which was 20 years ago! She still has her two lovely dogs, (Josh the Springer and Minder the German Shepherd) however so she won't be completely animal-less and she still has a brilliant excuse to go for long walks in the countryside.

Things are changing and although it is strange I see that it is good, even better that Mum is coming to homegroup with me so I get to enjoy her company even more. I definitely see a healing process for us both in this.

Flickr

2007-10-02T08:49:00.001+01:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Something Strange

2007-09-20T21:55:00.000+01:00

Something weird just happened.

The phone rang, I answered it but I thought I recognised the phone number (caller display). No one appeared to be on the other end so I hung up. After a few minutes it was bugging me so I rang the number back. It was The Priory in Bristol. I haven't worked there for 4 years and I have since changed my phone number due to moving house 4 times in the last 3 years.

I am confused as to whether someone I know is in there and is trying to contact me or just some weird sort of coincidence.

Baffled.............................

Highs and Lows

2007-09-13T17:33:00.000+01:00

Looking at yesterdays blog it is fair to say that I was on a "Mountaintop". Today I hit a really bad low and now I realise why. Funny how quick these things happen, I felt so chipper walking Ashleigh to school this morning, even saying Hello to everyone I met on the street and got some lovely responses too.

I am incredibly bad at asking for help.

I have been bottling things up, stuffing things down, call it what you want, but I have been reverting to the unhealthy way of coping and it can't go on. I cannot allow it. Misery as a lifestyle is not an option. Jesus as a lifestyle is a far better option.

When I finally "blew" this afternoon and told Gary how I felt I think he was amazed but pleased too.

This is kind of what happens;

I begin to feel tetchy about everything, I perceive everything and everyone around me negatively and nothing feels right. I think that people are thinking badly of me and because they are thinking badly of me I must be a "bad" person. Even if my surroundings were perfect I would find something to complain or bitch about. Defensive aggression kicks in. Like when a dog has been badly treated and has developed aggression out of self-protection. That sums it up.

I started to cry and said that I was "feeling miserable". If I could liken it to anything it would be JK Rowlings description of Dementors who suck all the joy out of the air around you. I felt so depressed, that all hope had vanished and that I would NEVER be happy again. I became completely overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings which is not surprising as they were all negative and aggressive at this point.

I liken it physically to being stood on the edge of a cliff. But being on the edge of a cliff is scary. You can go over the edge at any moment, the slightest movement can do it. For me it feels so scary that I can't speak, although I want to scream, I can't scream out loud cos the scream is stuck somewhere deep inside. So there it is; I feel terrified, angry and overwhelmed on the edge of a cliff and then someone goes and throws an invisibility cloak over me too so that no-one can see me frantically waving my arms and silently sobbing.

The good news is I am still fighting, but the headaches are stepping up again.

Please just pray for me, that will be great. I am already rallying so the time scale is much less than it used to be.

Things to be thankful for.....

2007-09-12T23:46:00.000+01:00

Just a quick blog really but I am buzzing cos God gave me a promise 5 years ago and I had it renewed a couple of days ago.

Went to see Jo to have a chat and a pray etc. We were praying and God put Isaiah 43:2 on my heart. I reached for my Bible and found it. There and then I almost burst into tears;

Isaiah 43:2 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society

2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

That was really lovely, but then I looked again.

Written in the margin was 9.9.02 in my writing.

The day was ..................... 9.9.07.

Exactly 5 years had passed since I had read this verse and received that promise and it is so true. I have passed through the waters (the waters of sadness, pain and self-discovery) and I have not been harmed. It has hurt, yes but not harmed me at all in any way. I am yet again blown away by God's mercy, His grace, His compassion and His unmistakenly perfect timing. Only he would know how much something like that would mean to me. I just kept shaking my head and saying "Oh my goodness!!!"

He is good, only not just good, but terrific, fantastic, awesome and completely thrilling and breathtaking, d'you get the picture???

Three Days Grace

2007-09-04T22:42:00.000+01:00

One-X lyrics

Do you think about
Everything you've been through
You never thought you'd be so depressed
Are you wondering
Is it life or death
Do you think that there's no one like you

We are
We are
We are
We are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
We are one
We are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
We are one

The life I think about
Is so much better than this
I never thought I'd be stuck in this mess
I'm sick of wondering
Is it life or death
I need to figure out who's behind you

We are
We are
We are
We are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
We are one
We are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
We are one

The life I think about
Is so much better than this
I never thought I'd be stuck in this mess
I'm sick of wondering
Is it life or death?
We are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
We are oneWe are the ones
We get knocked down
We get back up and stand above the crowd
We are one

We stand above the crowd
We stand above the crowd
We stand above the crowd (Crowd)
(We stand) We stand above the crowd
We stand above the crowd (We Stand)
We stand above the crowd(We are the ones)
We stand above the crowd(We get knocked down get back up)
We stand above the crowd(We are the ones)
We stand above the crowd(We get knocked down get back up)
We stand above the crowd
We stand above the crowd
We stand above the crowd
We stand above the crowd

This song means a lot to me at the moment cos it feels like I have had my fair share of "knocking down" of late. Of course if I was standing in my armour as I am supposed to the enemy wouldn't be able to knock me down, but the truth is that I have got a bit slack in some departments and I am honest enough to say that Spiritual Warfare is one of them.

BUT what is important here is that we do get up and stand above the crowd, and as the body of Christ we are one. I know that Three Days Grace may not be a Christian band but hey, as long as God is speaking to me through their lyrics - rock on!!

Too Busy

2007-09-03T20:41:00.000+01:00

Have been a bit busy of late looking after a friends dogs and then looking after my Daddy a bit as he has had surgery and has been quite poorly afterwards.

Anyway lots has been happening, but here is one of the funnies to be going on with.

This evening took Keeks up to bed and after I kiss and cuddle him, he and Daddy have their little prayertime. I must've been taking longer than usual to vacate his bedroom cos the cheeky little sausage told me "Downstairs!" I was a bit taken aback but did laugh. I didn't rush out of the room cos I was too busy telling him how flipping cheeky he was.

Next thing he said "Turn around! Downstairs!" I couldn't believe it but I left the room in hysterics, he is the funniest two and a half year old I know - and definitely the cheekiest!!!

Other things that have been happening is that I have finally come to the realisation that I am an adult and I really do have to take responsibility for things that I have been denying responsibility of for a VERY long time.

A very steep learning curve is what I am on right now and even though it is tough I also see that it is a highly valuable time.

I really can only say that for now. Right now I am waiting for telephone advice for Ashleigh as she pulled her shoulder muscles out horse-riding yesterday. If anyone reads this I'm sure she would appreciate any extra prayers.

2007-08-13T19:04:00.000+01:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16203273/

Found this whilst looking at the sad story of the baiji dolphins who were recently found to be extinct, so thought I would share some good news for a change.

Apologies if you have already seen it.

On to Art

2007-08-02T21:41:00.000+01:00

Today I went to an Art Gallery down by the docks. There were some astounding pieces of art there. My favourite artist at the moment is Doug Hyde His work is, in my opinion - awesome!!

I also really liked Gary Hodges who does mainly Wildlife. There is one picture of his which is of two foxes which I just totally adore. Thank God for creative people who bring so much joy into the lives of others with their God-given gifts!

I also love Peter Smith's work, it makes me feel happy and it is bright and cheerful.

Anyway that's it for now xx

More of the same.....

2007-08-02T07:49:00.000+01:00

Title: Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time lyrics

Artist: Cyndi LauperVisitors: 187478 visitors have hited Time After Time Lyrics since Feb 12, 2007.

Print: Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time Lyrics print version

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,

and think of you

caught up in circles confusion--

is nothing new

Flashback--warm nights--

almost left behind

suitcases of memories, time after--

sometimes you picture me--

I'm walking too far ahead

you're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said--

Then you say--go slow--

I fall behind-- the second hand unwinds

chorus:

if you're lost you can look--

and you will find me time after time

if you fall I will catch you--

I'll be waiting time after time

after my picture fades and darkness has

turned to gray

watching through windows--

you're wondering if I'm OK

secrets stolen from deep inside the drum beats out of time - -

chorus:

if you're lost...

you said go slow--

fall behind the second hand unwinds--

chorus: if you're lost...

...time after time

time after time

time after time

time after time

Elaboration

2007-08-01T22:40:00.000+01:00

If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting

Time After Time.

I fall - He catches.

He ALWAYS catches. It's very simple.

Maybe too simple.

He loves me, so much that I believe NOW that yes, he does rejoice over me with singing.

That's not being big-headed, that's just simple faith, at its absolute best. Today I am in that place and I love it.

Time After time

2007-08-01T22:37:00.000+01:00

This is how God feels about me. (Click these words)

Music

2007-07-28T23:25:00.000+01:00

Natasha Bedingfield- I bruise easily
Daniel Bedingfield - If you're not the one
Whitesnake -Is this love?
George Michael - Careless Whisper
Bryan Adams- Heaven
Bryan Adams - Run To You
Bryan Adams - Here I Am (A New Day) from The film "Spirit"
Gwen Stefani/ No Doubt - It's My Life
Savage Garden - Truly Madly Deeply
Savage Garden - I knew I loved You
Duran Duran - Come Undone
Duran Duran - Ordinary World
Enrique Iglesias - Ballimos
Enrique Iglesias - Escape
Enrique Iglesias - Can we dance this dance
Lifehouse - First Time
Lifehouse - Breathing
Three Days Grace - I hate everything about You
Three Days Grace - Animal I have Become
Avril Lavigne -I'm with You

This is what I have been listening to/ watching on Yahoo music tonight. I am having a blast. So many of these songs touch me deeply.

Possible books?

2007-07-27T15:50:00.000+01:00

I have been thinking for quite some time about writing a book. Now I have finally jotted down some ideas and I have 3 possibilities.

1. Something loosely based around my life, but names and places will be changed. Not an autobiography cos I'm not famous and have no wish to be. The humour would be highly exaggerated.

2. Something appealing to a predominantly to school-age children. Something of mystical creatures and wise beings who help children. Something I wish really existed when I was a child.

3. Teenagers with above-average abilities. Not like superheroes, but they have something extra about them. I won't say any more cos I don't want to divulge much.

Whether or not any of these idea go anywhere, only God knows, but it could be fun anyway.

Feedback please if possible.

Bunking Off and time to think

2007-07-22T13:52:00.000+01:00

Bunked off church today. Have been suffering a lot of discomfort which is made worse by me sitting around so I told Gary last night that I wouldn't be going to church today, but would stay at home and do something else instead. On waking up and discovering it was actually dry outside I thought I would take myself and Missi for a nice long walk. Walking is so good for crampy pains.

I like a lot of things about walking. There is no rush. I just take a little bag with the necessaries, bit of money just in case, folding fabric water-bowl for the dog and a bottle of water for the both of us, mobile phone just in case and then we get going. I already had my route decided it was one that I haven't walked for 2 years and I was in a totally different "place" back then.

I knew that the route I was doing was about 6 or 7 miles and as I have been relatively inactive for the last week I thought that was enough to be going on with.

Some of my first observations of my walk was the magnitude of colour that is around at this time of year. I have been looking at Hydrangeas for the last few weeks and the sheer abundance of colours that they come in. They are dark pink, every shade of paler pink right through to whitey-cream, they are blue, dark blue right through to the most pale baby powder blue they are truly amazing plants and because the choice is huge there is something for everyone. They are also immensely popular, they are everywhere round here!!

My personal favourites are the pinky, purply, bluey shades. I am not a big fan of the wishy-washy whitish ones. (How's that for alliteration!)

I saw some people who were out doing work in their gardens and spoke to most of them, encouraging them and telling them what a good job they were doing. There is one garden that I walk past in Cadbury Heath that I totally adore. It is so well-kept and in Springtime they have the most marvellous "Heaven-Scent" Magnolia tree. I keep thinking of putting a note through their door and telling them what a joy it is to walk past their home, but I haven't done it yet. I think I might though. I so enjoy complimenting and encouraging people, I love to see their reactions as it is not something that people tend to do much of in this day and age.

The other plants that have been catching my eye of late are Clematis, again such a wealth and richness of colour. I know that my blog is becoming like something out of "House and Garden" but it looks like I am evolving into a creation who truly appreciates the beauty and splendour of God's creation. I never thought that I would change to this extent.

I also really like Wisteria at the moment, It looks so natural and elegant and it smells gorgeous too. It reminds me of secret romantic rendez-vous and slushy couples holding hands and making plans.

I think I am beginning to find "The Real Me". She is called Amanda. I don't know that much right now about her but I know she has long fingernails and very short hair. I know that she loves Ashleigh.

It's a start.

It's hard to say "I" when I feel like I should be saying "she". It's all quite confusing at times but if I try to focus on the fact that it is not forever, just transitional, chrysalis-state there WILL be a butterfly at the end of it. What shape or colour that Butterfly will take I am not sure, but I am beginning to see and I think I like it so far.

Will people like the end result? Will God like the end result? I think that the latter is more important than the other question.

Who has been "the face of Amanda Morgan" all this time? Well, I guess the most well-known and consistent face is "Mands". She is ok, she gets things done. She believes in God but is more talking the talk than walking the walk if you know what I mean. She is a bit Obsessive Compulsive but at least she doesn't go out and get drunk!

Over the years, the majority of everyday life has been lived out by "Panda". Panda means well. She believes that the way to live is to please others at ALL costs and to make NO-ONE angry no matter what. The problem with that lifestyle is that it causes a lot of resentment, undealt with anger and is a completely impossible lifestyle to maintain. You really can only be a people-pleaser for so long before the cold, cold rage of all the "not being heard", "not being taken seriously" and "not being acknowledged and thanked" incidents come to mind and need to be dealt with in a healthy way. A- Acknowledge the hurt and pain, B-Believe the Truth (that God IS in control), C-Choose to forgive and not look back.

It is most painful to try and live a different way when your internal belief system is so hard-wired that it means major circuitry transplant to do something different. The fear of doing something different is enough to freeze you to the spot and discourage you from changing anything.

I can see now why these changes have taken so long to even contemplate, it would've fried my motherboard had God accelerated it anyhow.

Some of the ritualistic and obsessive traits are slowly being taken away. Things like my dog. If you know anything about Obedience training dogs, you ALWAYS train them to walk on the left, over the last couple of weeks I have been gradually re-training her to walk on the right side of me if it is necessary. For example if you run out of path and you have to cross onto the other side of the road. I am teaching her to be less rigid and more flexible and even though I know it is hard for her as she is 9 I think that God is also using Missi (as usual) to show me something about myself.

Other things that are changing are my competitive streak is slowly coming undone. A few weeks ago when I was cycling a lot, it was essential for me to know how many miles I had done, how fast I was going, overall journey time etc. then the computer thing on my bike went bust and even though it bugged me like mad to start off with, I now accept that it isn't necessary for me to know all that stuff, I am learning to be content with the fact that I have just gone out on my bike. Mileage isn't necessary and having fun and being less uptight is far more important.

With all these changes you might think that I am becoming more perfect. Absolutely not!! I am trying to be less perfect and more like Jesus, and you know what I think he is happy with that attitude!! If I can just remember that I will be more content.

Doing ok

2007-07-19T20:28:00.000+01:00

Lots has happened. Too much to write about really. I am gonna try and take a leaf out of Ange's book at the moment and write about the good points.

Thankful for a big improvement in communication from lots of different angles. Professional relationships and family ones mainly.

The help I need has been promised in the near future.

My kids, how gracious Ashleigh is and how forgiving. I am proud of the young lady that she is becoming. She has so many good qualities that I hugely admire. I am enjoying her company massively.

I am also proud of Kiefer and how he is learning to talk so much more and that he is understanding more about the boundaries that are set for him and the world that he lives in. I think I am beginning to understand why God would give me a son to parent and love.

Good friends - I have more than I realised and I am thankful for them all. Especially the hospitality that I have been on the receiving end of recently.

The learning curve that I am on. My husband and how tolerant he is. The fact that I am now able to see that. (One day at a time.)

I drove on the motorway alone today and it was ok. Normally I wouldn't be able to do something like that. I feel so pleased that The Holy Spirit really is a counsellor and a guide.

The housegroup which I have been going to for the last 3 weeks and how much I have enjoyed it.

That I am beginning to understand how precious and special I am.

Terrorized

2007-07-05T11:58:00.000+01:00

It has been an interesting week so far and I don't know where to begin.

Monday night- Went dog training. Saw a couple of people harsh handle their dogs. Ok so maybe the dogs weren't behaving impeccably but there are options available to correcting behaviour and the positive ones are usually the best options. Being a bully isn't an option in my experience.

I was devastated. I wanted to run into the middle of the hall and start shouting at people but of course I didn't. The screaming in my head was unbelievably loud and the angry voices told me that I had better not do anything to rock the boat.

I left the dog club feeling angry, upset and totally frustrated at the injustice of it all. I didn't know what to do.

I brewed on it.

On Wednesday in a moment of complete courage I rang the number I had for the dog training club and told what I had saw on the Monday night. I was reassured that it would be brought to the attention of the committee and that the complaint would remain anonymous which pleased me greatly as the voices were threatening punishment for me and I was scared.

Last night (Wednesday) I was going to meet up with a friend but the arrangements fell flat so I ended up going to visit a housegroup which I don't normally go to. I was beginning to relax a bit when my phone started vibrating in my bag (It was on silent). I grabbed it and it was Gary. I left the room and just heard this angry voice down the phone and that this woman had rang to speak to me about the dog club incident and was really angry.

(Too much anger for a compliant to deal with!!) I started to "check out" but then somehow yanked myself back because the complaint was from the body of Amanda Morgan so I should hear it out. Apparently she was not pleased that I had rang and she will be ringing me tonight (Thursday).

To be perfectly honest I am terrified. I know in my rational 34 year old mind that this person can't hurt me but I am soooooo soooooo scared. Just typing this I have got appalling shakes.

If anyone reads this before tonight please leave me a comment to reassure me that someone out there will be praying for me to be stron enough for me to handle this phone call without "checking out".

I feel like a child who is about to get the cane from The Headmaster. I don't think my "insiders" will let me get away with this very easily.

Please leave a comment I am so very very scared.

Surprise Flowers!!

2007-07-01T22:46:00.000+01:00

They were from a lovely couple from my old church in Kingswood. It is moments like these that make me wonder if I am in the right church or not? Well that is up to God really we are just praying at the moment to see what He says. We don't want to do anything rash.

The waxy looking pink one is called an Anthurium and it is a Tropical flower. I had to search the net for ages to find out what it was.

There is an Ashleigh hiding behind those flowers somewhere!!

Yesterday (Saturday 30th June) there was a knock on the door and to my total amazement stood a man holding the biggest bouquest of flowers that I had ever seen.

They were for me and Gary (but I guess primarily me really.)

catchup pics

2007-07-01T21:42:00.000+01:00

To give you an idea of the size of the chalkboard we got the kids to model.

Daddy drew a van. Very good Daddy!!

We turned the cupboard doors in the lounge into a big chalkboard. This was one of the first pics to adorn said chalkboard. Congrats to Ashleigh!!

Mr Chocolate-face!! He gets cheekier by the day!!

Dark pink Rhodedendrons. There were so many colour varieties I had no idea!! For someone who doesn't like plants I was warming up nicely.

Snowdrop tree, totally amazing I was never aware of their existence before this day.

Magnolia Tree at Westonbirt. the white ones are amazing and represent purity. They are favoured in Monastery Gardens because of this symbolism.

Mum-in-law smelling Rhodedendrons at Westonbirt on Magnolia Day. Lovely time we had.

On holiday in April 07. The only pic we have of the 4 of us together so far!! Isn't that awful?

Cycling and Swimming

2007-07-01T18:07:00.000+01:00

is mostly what I have been doing of late.

I also had a trip to a Barbers and the hair just keeps getting shorter!! Had clippers used on it this time, Cool!!! (One of my male identities took me on that trip and helped me overcome my fear of older men, so brill.)

I have been to Keynsham Pool 3 times and Yate Pool twice. One day I cycled to Yate, swam, wandered round the shops for a little bit of light relief and then cycled back in the pouring rain!! FUN!!!

Seriously though I enjoyed it, the only not-so-good bit was the fact that I couldn't change gears cos my hands were blue!

I like cycling cos I get time to myself, time to think and time to talk to "my other parts".

Some of them are so funny and so totally lovely. One or two are a bit snappy (understandably so, they have been conditioned to stay silent and woe-betide anyone who tries to break their silence, and if I try and get past the guards that is another thing altogether!)

Some of them are just amazing, how strong they are to have held all the emotion they have held and all the mysterious secrets. I am in awe of some of them and just don't feel worthy to really make their acquaintance, let alone try and form a friendship which should ultimately lead them to Jesus.

In a way I find this whole thing quite exciting but in another way I find it completely messed-up and totally frustrating.

It bugs me to know that the 17 parts all have a purpose and I don't fully understand those purposes as yet. It is completely exasperating and frustrating to have most of my childhood missing and know that various different parts hold those memories but I can't access them.

It is like owning a computer and wanting to get into a folder only to find that it is password protected and firewalled to the hilt. (Gosh that's good!!) Oh thanks!! It is MY computer, there shouldn't be any parts I can't access.

Patience has never been a strong point of mine and it seems that it is something which will continually need working on. In the meantime I have my big joint assessment next Monday (9th July) between the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) and the Psychotherapy department.

The Psychotherapy dept aren't pleased about this involvement as they discharged me in October last year. Since then I have been on the fast-track to the loony-bin so they are a bit peeved that I went over their heads, rocked the boat and got the independent assessment.

Statistics that I have been reading state that someone with D.I.D on average spends 7 years in the Mental Health System before an accurate diagnoses materialises. What a waste of 7 years though!! I mean, this is my life Man!!! Misdiagnoses is all too common, sadly.

"D.I.D is a dissociative disorder, not a psychosis. Multiples are not crazy; they are people who have developed a very sophisticated way of coping with severe childhood abuse.

D.I.D patients are among the most disturbed individuals who seek the services of mental health professionals, yet they are often among the most treatable. The treatment must be guided by an understanding of the nature of D.I.D and its historical antecedents. The complex details of the personality system can overwhelm the therapist who doesn't have a broad framework within which to conduct therapy."

So that is good news, add to that the power of Healing Prayer and the fact that I know of someone who should've taken 5 years to integrate who was integrated in 8 months and I feel like I am on a winner.

The verse that I am hanging onto at the moment is 2 Tim 1:7 (Amplified version)

7For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.

Amen

Bananas and Mushrooms too!!

2007-06-17T19:38:00.000+01:00

Bananas and mushrooms have also joined the foods that I have been emotionally freed from.

Both these foods I was reacting to when pregnant with Ashleigh 10 years ago. Each time I tried to re-introduce them I was usually pretty sick or had bad stomach aches.

Both foods are now happily being enjoyed by me and I am so happy to have them back on the menu as they are both "Weightwatchers friends".

God is so good to me and Jesus has firmly got hold of my hand I am happy to say.

WOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Tomatoes and other stuff.

2007-06-16T12:03:00.000+01:00

Something wonderful has happened!!

After years of believing that tomatoes would make me sick if I ate them, I am now able to eat the suckers and I feel so pleased, so thrilled, like it is such an incredible achievement!!

Such a simple thing but what a transformation in my mind and my confidence. How amazing it is to find out that words which were spoken by an adult of significance, could traumatise me to the point that I really believed that I would be violently, horribly sick and probably have an allergic reaction too!! No wonder I avoided them at all costs!! How empowered I feel to finally be able to challenge what was said and reject it!!

The Power of Words is so strong, it is taught here and there but words spoken over us really can turn into bondages so easily, especially if as a child there is no significant adult to restore the truth and balance in our lives. When we believe and adopt the lies that so easily turn into fear we are set up for a lifestyle of fear and anxiety until we allow God fully into our lives to intervene and restore the damage that has been done.

I went to Harnhill again on Thursday and did the "Introduction To Wholeness" day. It was fab and the one thing that Jo and myself really brought back with us is the simple fact that if someone has suffered Shock or Trauma, it should be lifted off them in prayer ASAP.

Again, such a simple thing, but it can save people having nightmares, flashbacks, bodily pain (your body can hold memories of pain in case you didn't know, especially when connected to trama) and emotional numbness (which is basically what shock is at the best of times). It can also prevent emotional disconnection and ensures that the mind remains "whole", rather than splitting in any way.

An example used is that if you stub your toe, that can be really painful. In lots of ways.

Your toe hurts, (physical) you feel stupid for doing it (emotional and mental) and the pain can shoot through your whole body. You are also usually left with the painful toe for a while after and depending on how bad you stubbed it you can be left with bruising too.

In the case that was talked about, the person still had the bruising but the pain left with the prayer. The person who had stubbed her toe had begun to tell herself she was stupid (putting herself in disagreement with God, getting on the downward spiral which is a fast-track helter skelter to the pit, so causing spiritual problems too.) Speaking badly of any of His creation puts us in disagreement with Him as when He finished creation He saw that it was "good".

She also repented from saying bad things about herself, so putting the enemy right back in his place!! The really good thing is that the potential fear that can stop people from doing things again gets kicked out from prayer too. I don't want to go too depthy with this but I am beginning to see that it really is the simple things which let the enemy get a foothold. You don't have to do anything major like murder, the devil adores the smallest of things. He can use them just as easily to send us to Guilt city or the valley of Shame.

From Ephesians 4:

25Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26"In your anger do not sin"[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold. 28He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.

29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Another example was a young couple out for the evening, got attacked by a group of youths. He was injured and told himself ;

"I will never go out in the evening as a couple again, in a crowd yes, but as a couple, No"

(Internal vow)

Straight away, fear (the devil's best weapon) got in and the trauma began. It also started a mistrust for Gods' Protection. When we live in fear, we are not trusting God, but as a society it is easy to see how we adopt this mindset. It takes a lot of work and a determination of will to not follow the crowd and choose to do something different.

Shortly after, he was asked if he had prayed off the shock and trauma by his Dad who teaches this stuff. He said that he hadn't and his Dad said that for his own sake he should do it as quickly as possible, before the fear turned from a foothold, (fear) to a stronghold, (terror and anxiety) to a stranglehold (Severe tramatisation.)

Such a good day. Tiring, but lovely. I'm certain that there are many more to come.

God Bless Harnhill!!

2007-05-26T15:00:00.000+01:00

I have had an amazing week at Harnhill I truly now believe that like Carolyn Bramhall

I too can be free of this disorder that mucks up my life so badly and that my mind can be restored and made whole again.

I feel so alive!!

The truth sets me free

2007-05-19T21:15:00.000+01:00

The truth is that I have D.I.D (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and Complex PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

It has been getting worse over the past 5 years because I seem to have got stuck with a relationship which has become very oppressive.

It is very scary that I have been so unable to work this out before now. But I have worked it out and it is time for a change. The other 10 personalities I have "on board" are now all on my side and have decided that it is time that the bully in my life got a good ass-kicking.

United we stand, divided we fall. We have finally decided that United is good and that we are capable of being United.

BULLYING IS WRONG, JUST BECAUSE I AM A CHRISTIAN IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS BEHAVIOUR!! I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT GOD CONDONES BULLYING.

The bully is sadly, my husband. He tries to control me with shouting, aggression and fear.

He and one of my friends recently hatched a plan against me which involved deceit, lies and cruelty to have me detained by the police and I spent a traumatic night in a Police cell as a detainee!!

I think they thought they were helping me and that being sectioned would get me some immediate help for my personality disorder, but all that happened was that I felt hurt "set-up" and abandoned. I didn't get sectioned and the help happened no quicker. I am finding it incredibly hard to forgive them for what they put me through.

I am not writing this to say that Gary is all bad, because I am not stupid or unbalanced enough to think that anyone is. I truly believe that we are all capable of good and bad, but quotes like these are real;

"You'd better!!" (meant as a threat) and "nobody will believe you, they think you're crazy!"

These threats have been going on for far too long and today is the day that things have to change. I am also fed up with the constant checking up on me and it is not out of concern.

Whenever I go to visit friends I get at least one, if not more calls on my mobile. When it is to remind me that I need to adhere to my curfew for my health reasons, and done out of care and concern that is fine and I actually welcome it, but when it is for no apparent reason that is something else altogether. I cringe when I hear my phone ringing and the minute I look at the screen and see that it is Gary I find myself thinking "Now what?" I feel as if he doesn't trust me, that I am being stalked and that brings with it a sense that someone is constantly looking over my shoulder and checking up on me, which frankly is completely unwelcome and a massive invasion of my personal boundaries. (Which I found hard to put into place in the first place I have to add.)

The truth is here for all to read. Today he was issued with a choice. Choose to be accountable to Jesus and get some help. Choose this family or do what suits you, but do it alone - without us!!!

I am not crazy - just traumatised and I will no longer let my condition be used against me.

In God's strength I, Amanda Morgan am capable of all things!!

The truth is out Gary Morgan, there is nowhere to hide. Just for the record this has not been done out of spite and anger but out of love and concern. I really believe in shining a light into dark places and I really don't want to have 2 divorces behind me. I would like to help Gary discover who God really created him to be. Ultimately though, he has to choose. I am unable to accept any responsibility for his life choices.

Grief - delayed reaction.

2007-05-17T14:01:00.000+01:00

I decided to surf a bit today and I found Darren Hayes talking about "Truly Madly Deeply"

"It's extremely innocent. I hear somebody else when I hear that song, I hear me before it all began. There's something beautifully nostalgic, that person I hear is completely untainted."

He also said this, (but can I type it between the tears?) I don't know, I'll try.

"I want people to associate Truly with a relationship they've had, rather than a pair of sneakers. Maybe I'll have other songs I'll want people to associate with a pair of sneakers, but it will never be Truly Madly deeply."

I agree. Darren and Daniel will not sell the rights to one of their best-known ballads, even though they have been offered fortunes. I commend them for that. That song belongs to people like me.

That song will always be very special to me. It was the first time I went after something I really wanted. I really believed it would make me whole - but it failed and I felt even more fragmented after.

That was a sad time for me and I am only just allowing myself time to grieve and even that is short and subdued. I think, if I am honest what I really need is a tidal wave to hit me so hard that it takes me off my feet.

Maybe next week at Harnhill with Jesus holding my hand........

A Place to stay

2007-05-11T15:38:00.000+01:00

Well, God has answered my prayers. I have somewhere peaceful and solid to stay. A lovely couple are allowing me to seek sanctuary in their home.

A huge weight feels as though it has been lifted from my shoulders. I will be able to be away from the rat race for at least half the week. Now it is time for me and God to start fully taking control of my life and setting some reasonable boundaries.

A new chapter begins.

Thank you Lord, even though I am impatient, desperate and weak you never fail me.

Congrats to the new babies at BV; Charlotte Grace, Ella Sophie and Joel, I look forward to watching you all grow up.

2007-05-09T21:10:00.000+01:00

Not been able to blog much due to circumstances. Am alive and some days are better than others. Had a brill day yesterday so have suffered for it today. I have been able to pray with some amazing people lately and I have had the privilege of having time for myself. My housing situation is still undecided and I am still waiting on God. We will see.

URGENT PRAYER REQUEST

2007-05-04T12:56:00.000+01:00

for Housing.

Just for me to get stabilised.

For now I need somewhere to stay. There are "bodies" involved, but in order to stay in touch with South Glos I need to be staying somewhere in South Glos.

The perfect situation would be if I could lodge with someone in South Glos who has no kids.

Please just pray............

Drowning

2007-04-03T12:50:00.000+01:00

Mental Illness is the devil's work.

Despite valiant attempts to keep swimming I feel as if someone has got their foot on my head. I fear that one day I will go under permanently.

The Mother is the heart of the home. What if the heart is severely broken? Then what?

Pray pray and pray some more. I keep telling myself that God has a plan but the other voice is aggressive and loud. The fight continues.......................

Not much time

2007-03-29T13:50:00.000+01:00

We have moved house on the 17th March. The new house is amazing, it is everything we ever wanted. It will take time to make it look exactly how we want, but for now it is liveable, warm and friendly. Sandra said that the previous house was "throwing her out" whenever she came round, this house embraces you and makes you feel peaceful and safe.

I am ok, just tired. Embarked on another 40 days of improvement and the fun has begun. I need to rest as much as I can when I can so on that note I am off for an hours kip before the tea-time frenzy begins!!

Please pray for Gary he is struggling with lots of things right now.

Norwich Trip - Part one

2007-03-11T08:29:00.000Z

I am fully aware that I have totally avoided blogging about it, but to be honest I don't really know what to say. I got my diagnosis, and now I have the full report too. It is quite scary and I have no idea what the next couple of years are going to look like.

The trip there and back wasn't without hiccups, but mercifully they were only slight and few. The worst "hiccup" was me losing my paperwork somewhere in Bristol Bus Station. Thankfully I had my coach ticket in my pocket, but my maps which Gary had carefully devised for me, the letter from my counsellor, previous paperwork from The Pottergate Centre were all in that envelope. It is not a great thing to know that some very horrific details of my life and the state of my mental health at times of crisis are revealed in those pieces of paper.

Thankfully I listened to an podcast on the way to Norwich and the speaker asked "Is there anything in your life that someone could blackmail you over?" After some careful thought and consideration I decided that no, due to me being open and honest about things, although not going into full details with everyone, which is a good thing. I would not be able to be blackmailed, especially over my mental health stuff. (Partly because half of it I don't remember anyway.)

Basically the outcome is that I have a few more "labels" than I would really like and I am borderline a few more problems too, but I have to keep telling myself that my Primary Identity is "Daughter of God", then the list goes something like;

Daughter of John and Shirley
Sister of Jill
Grand-daughter to 4 deceased Grandparents
Cousin to many cousins
Niece to many Aunts and Uncles
Wife to Gary
Mum to Ashleigh and Kiefer
Friend to many people
Lover of dogs
Counsellor "wannabe"
Neighbour to some people
Seeker of truth
My Health comes far down the list, and my physical health is pretty good, it is just my mental health that is "shot".

The question is will I be rejected and ignored if I tell it as it is? I am scared that people will be scared of me and avoid me if I tell them what goes on internally, on a daily basis? Should I really tell the awful stories that are "my life"? I have started writing some stuff in a locked file. I very much doubt that it will ever come to anything, but maybe it might.

I am not brave enough to go any further than this right now. This is soooo triggering for me. I can't go to Flashback City right now I gotta go to church and seem ok.

The bottom line is;

If I wasn't trying to follow Jesus I would be dead, and that my friends, is the truth.

It is only the fact that God has foiled my numerous suicide attempts and kept me on this planet that I am here. Clearly as Jer 29:11 says, He does have a plan. My liver is in one piece, that speaks volumes and is a complete miracle.

No and Yes - But more No.

2007-03-03T17:32:00.000Z

In the Bible it says;

Matthew 5:37 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society

37Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.

AND

James 5:12Above all, my brothers, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your "Yes" be yes, and your "No," no, or you will be condemned.

I wish people would accept this and why do people feel that they have to ask "Why?" when you give them a No. I mean, in general, they don't ask "Why?" when we give them a Yes do they??

This is a toughie, and just goes to show that we have a long way to go. (I say we, but maybe this is more about me and my immediate family.) Having an enquiring mind is one thing, but when it is in total defiance to what God says there is a definite line that needs to be drawn,

and Upheld.

Question is; What does this look like in everyday life? and how do we do it ourselves, and then learn it so well that we can "pass it on"?

Only God knows, but I will be working on it, with His help. Now I just have to persuade other people, or maybe I should just leave that to God too? Where do I draw a line myself between trying to help people understand a little of God's will, without it coming across as dictating or controlling?

Where are all these questions coming from??

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Blog rather than worry or eat!!

2007-02-20T14:14:00.000Z

This is Missi and her daughter Breeze.

Missi and her daughter and an "adopted" pup.

Me and my girl in 2004 before the days of Kiefer!!

My favourite photo of Missi.

Today I am having one of those days when I feel spectacularly hungry!! I think that some of it is because I am feeling a bit anxious about my beautiful dog Missi.

Just to put you in the picture she is the best dog I have ever had, she is nearly 9 and she has brought me so much joy. Indeed without her I probably wouldn't be here now, in fact you might call her my "Angel-dog".

She has given me beautiful puppies over the years and always been there when I needed comfort that humans couldn't give. I can see why God chose to use his name backwards for dog, the only creature apart from Himself who is capable of unconditional love.

Today she is at the Vet's being spayed. Last night, just before I fell asleep I heard God tell me that while they had her in their care they would ring me and tell me that something else needed to be sorted too, and not to be surprised.

Guess what??

It happened.

I walked back from the Vet's and after a short while my mobile rang. The vet told me that she had a mammary lump and would I like them to remove it? I said yes that would be fine and did it look suspicious at all. They said it looked like just a fatty lump and probably nothing to worry about.

I got off the phone and so nearly burst into tears. I was upset because I felt guilty, maybe I hadn't been checking her as often as I should, I should've noticed.

I recognised the accusing voice "you are a terrible dog owner", it was not God's voice. I know whose it was and I am not taking it on board. I am a fantastic dog owner and a fantastic trainer too, and once upon a time I was also a good breeder.

Then I remembered that God had warned me last night, and I asked Gary if I had dreamt it or if God really had warned me. He confirmed what I thought, I am NOT crazy and I heard God clearly.

I am feeling so privileged, so honoured, and so in awe that the very same God that made the universe and everything in it would speak to me personally, especially about my dog.

But then, why should I be surprised? Doesn't everything that concerns me, concern God also. He knew I was feeling nervous last night and even though He is busy listening to the prayers of millions, He gives us the personal relationship that we so badly need and long for.

God is good and I want to try and remember that as much as possible.

Hoobilation

2007-02-19T15:29:00.000Z

Gary has finally decided (under pressure from me and Ash-bash) that he will start blogging occasionally. I will try and keep my expectations low on this and then I will not be disappointed.

He has also made me a team member so that I can contribute if he can't be bothered.

Bless.....

Recent Realisations

2007-02-11T22:59:00.000Z

I have been thinking an awful lot the last couple of days and here are some of those thoughts in brief;

1. Ashleigh - her love of school is great! When she has to miss a day she is gutted. I am thrilled. For me this means that she doesn't have to pull a sicky to get attention from me. Thus she must be getting enough affirmation and positive attention from Myself and Gary.

I am very pleased about this, it is very different from how things were for Gary and I when we were children. God has answered my prayers on this score.

2. Generational bonds - are definitely being broken. Things are different for both Ashleigh and Kiefer in so many different ways. We are happy that they don't just have to do something "just because" but that they are entitled to a reasonable explanation where appropiate. Also I will not have anyone speak down to them, just "because they are children".

I get so cross when kids get treated badly. If we don't model respect to them in everyday life, then how are they going to learn it for themselves?

I have seen some adults speak to children rudely, abruptly and with no consideration at all. That SUCKS!!! I have challenged a couple and said "Do you realise that if you spoke to an adult like that you would probably get decked?" I have had sulky responses, but I think I got the point across.

The Parenting course we have been doing has helped immensely. The material from The Family Caring Trust may be a bit cheesy where the DVD is concerned but the rest of it is really good and very challenging.

Still lots to learn, but already I see noticeable changes in our household. I am hoping that we will take these new skills with us to our new home in a few weeks time.

It has been a real time for learning whilst living here, now we have to make the new skills transferable and appopiate for our new environment and to be as mindful as possible about how we parent our children even more.

Good Stuff....

Excited but also scared.

2007-02-11T00:03:00.000Z

Going to Norwich on my own on Wednesday 22nd Feb for Psychological Assessment. Time to shut some of these "puppies" down for good.

Childcare has fallen through so Gary is staying home and I will treat it as a bit of a Spiritual retreat too. Can anyone recommend a good book for 12 hours of coach travel?? (There and back that is) Something useful and not too heavy. I will also be listening to various Podcasts so that should see me through.

All prayers appreciated.

Cheat post

2007-02-10T10:22:00.000Z

A friend emailed this to me, I thought I would share it.

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this. (Especially anyone who has baked for church events.)

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot about it until the last Minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it, while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But, when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time bake another cake."

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom, a roll of toilet paper. She Plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect! Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy this cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold! Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mother. Alice was horrified. She was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think of her? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. That night Alice was laying awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time there. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a real snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because Alice was a single parent and not from one of the founding families of Tuscaloosa. Having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay away.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust Old South...To Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw it being brought in. She started out of her chair to rush to the hostess and tell her all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!" "Thank you", said the snobby hostess, "I baked it myself!" Alice sat back and smiled, "GOD IS GOOD".

The devil stinks!

2007-02-06T07:06:00.000Z

Just in case you didn't already know that, it is true.

Had an amazing night at the Women's Bible Study last night, healing and just lovely cos the girls were all making a fuss of me cos it was my birthday. I had especially wanted them to pray for my sister Jill cos she is drawing closer to God and the enemy keeps kicking things up.

I got home feeling peaceful and loved and within seconds BANG!!! Earlier on that evening Jill and her fella Jon had come for tea with us and Jill had brought with her the remains of the money I need to go to Norfolk in a couple of weeks time because a couple weeks ago she had offered to help and I accepted.

Whilst I was at the WBS Jill came round in a bad mood saying that I had upset her fella and that she wanted the money back. Gary didn't know where it was because I had put it in a safe place and Jill was apparently really angry about something I had said that had really upset Jon.

I know in my heart of hearts that I have done nothing wrong, I challenged Jill for wanting to leave counselling so soon, I have been there and to leave after 4 sessions and to leave because it is hard is not a good idea. I told her that if she wanted to have a successful relationship and possibly a shot at marriage it is very important to sort her own baggage out first. She was talking about babies and I said; (Paraphrase)

"Whoa whoa whoa, you can't even care for yourself properly right now. You need to learn to be kind to yourself and accepting of yourself and others before you start thinking about bringing additional people into the scenario. If you think that counselling for an hour a week is tough, how do you think you will cope with a 24 hour person who needs constant care and love? Babies are wonderful but immensely hard emotionally and one day you will be there, but right now you are the baby that needs the care."

I know she is going through really tough stuff but I am not going to take the flack for something which is not my responsibility. I did challenge her and she is not used to being challenged but I couldn't just sit by and make sympathetic noises when she needs to hear the truth. (Tough love I believe it is called.)

I think my Dad has also got to her somewhere along the line and that bothers me too. Instead of playing us off against one another and setting us up for yet another arguement he should be encouraging us to be friends with each other, but he is not that sort of bloke and although I hope God will change him it does seem very unlikely at times.

++ Lord Jesus, only you can come into this situation and make it peaceful and smooth, if it were down to me I would probably just turn my back and say "This is so hard I can't be bothered with it" but that is the old me, the old me that I am starving of oxygen and slowly putting to death with your help. Lord where restoration needs to be done please bring it, and where healing needs to be performed please do it, please help Jill see that I am not her enemy, but her big sis who loves her and wants to wrap her arms around a terrified little girl who needs help. Lord she is so scared of everything that she can't remember what it feels like to not feel scared. Please help her overcome her fear of people and help her to trust again. Please build that bridge between us, too long has my sister been in chains and I ask in Jesus name that she be freed and her eyes truly opened to the wonders of who you are.++

Amen

In line with this is today's UCB's reading;

Life's full of 'chickens'
06 Feb 2007
'"...THESE BLESSINGS SHALL COME ON THEE...IF THOU SHALT HEARKEN UNTO THE VOICE OF THE LORD..."' DEUTERONOMY 28:2
Jack London's classic, White Fang, is about an animal, half dog, half wolf, who learns to live among men. White Fang is very fond of chickens. Once he raided a chicken-roost and killed 50 hens. His master, Weedon Scott, whom White Fang 'loved with single heart', scolded him, then took him into the chicken yard. When White Fang saw his favourite food walking around in front of him, he obeyed his natural impulse and lunged for them. Immediately he was checked by his master's voice. He stayed in the chicken yard quite a while, and every time White Fang made a move toward a chicken, his master's voice would stop him. In this way he learned what his master wanted - he learned to ignore the chickens. Weedon Scott's father argued 'You couldn't cure a chicken killer' but Weedon challenged him and they agreed to lock White Fang in with the chickens all afternoon: 'Locked in the yard, White Fang lay down and went to sleep. Once he walked over to the trough for a drink. The chickens he calmly ignored. So far as he was concerned they did not exist. At 4 o'clock he executed a running jump and leaped to the ground outside, whence he sauntered gravely to the house. He had learned the law'. Out of love and a desire to obey his master's will, White Fang overcame his natural, inborn tendencies. He may not have understood the reason, but he chose to bend his will to his master's. Life's full of 'chickens.' What you have to settle is - whom will I serve?

My chickens are anger and negative thinking, today I am going to start trying to ignore the things that would normally pull me in. GOD HELP ME!!!

Weird Evening

2007-02-04T00:43:00.000Z

The original plan for this evening was that it would be my Birthday party as it is my Birthday on the 5th Feb.

So many people couldn't make it, so we changed the date to the 17th Feb instead which is actually Kiefer's 2nd Birthday!!

So tonight me and Gary had a babysitter sorted and an invite to someone else's joint Birthday party. To say it was a strange evening is a bit of an understatement.

The only person we knew at the party was Mel whose party it was, albeit joint. I got talking to a nice lady who seemed a bit shy but was nice. I asked which area she lived in and it turned out she is literally about 18 houses away from us!! How weird, I thought.

I get the feeling that God just wanted me to have that conversation with her before we moved house, and maybe it was the only way it was going to happen. Andrew starts doing "Walk Across The Room" and all sorts of strange things happen.

I just love God, His plans are always so much more fresh and exciting than mine. I feel so proud and privileged to be a follower of Jesus xxx

Something sad.

2007-02-02T00:38:00.000Z

My friend's Mum passed away. Please pray that she knows that God is with her in her devastation and distress.

Words fail me. Life is sad sometimes.

BIG FAT ANSWER TO PRAYER!!!

2007-01-30T22:33:00.000Z

I have just had a weird but amazing evening.

I have just prayed for my Mum-in-law.

I am blown away by God's goodness, mercy, compassion and gentleness.

I am thankful more than words can say. She cried and I know that she felt God's presence.

WOW!! Now I am ready for bed.

Under Testing

2007-01-28T18:05:00.000Z

Right now as I write this, I have laryngitis. It hurts and I am in agony.

However I have just had a text from a friend whose Mum is incredibly ill and who is not expected to survive.......... Kind of puts things into perspective. Please pray for them both if you are reading this.

The last week has been a very intense learning process, and I have enjoyed some parts and not enjoyed other bits.

The things which have kept me going this last week are these;

Phil 4:4
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

For quite a long time I had always liked the bit about asking for the peace of God which transcends all human understanding, but never really read the 3 conditions which precede it.

1. Rejoice in the Lord
2.Let your gentleness be evident to all
3.Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

I have only just realised that this really does work, silly me for taking so long.

The other amazing sciptures which have been key for me this week were given to me at the WBS on Monday night.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

One of the things which I really struggle with is negative talk. Someone can say something negative and gossippy about a person or a situation and whoosh, there I go down the snake, just like in game of snakes and ladders. It is a constant fight to go against it.

Just lately I have become very aware of this so am trying to make sure I don't succumb to it.
On Thursday I had had a lovely time with the 2 ladies I am swapping houses with. It is a 3 way swap, so positive and clear communication is essential to make this thing work. I came home to meet with my housing officer and it was as though satan's wife had come to visit. This person was trying to lure me into negative talk and I (thankfully) recognised it for what it was, and God did provide a way out for me as promised.

The other scripture I was given at the WBS (Women's Bible Study in case you are wondering) was Isaiah 35 :8-10

8 And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of Holiness.
The unclean will not journey on it;
it will be for those who walk in that Way;
wicked fools will not go about on it. [a]

9 No lion will be there,
nor will any ferocious beast get up on it;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,

10 and the ransomed of the LORD will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

This was excellent timing as I was worried (a bit) about the exchange and I had got a bit paranoid about sabatoge. I now feel more able to relax and trust God, after all He is bigger, and He knows what is best for us a family and what comes next.

Nice to blog, it's been a while. I am happy that I seem to have found out how to swing the "sword of the spirit".

Breakthrough

2007-01-11T06:52:00.000Z

After posting on New Year's eve saying this;

*My Prayers are listened to, can't go into it right now, but had a major breakthrough with my sister today and am sure she is going to be making a commitment that will change her life in the next year. Her walk with God has begun!! Momentous!!

Last night my sister and her boyfriend John were here. Jill is going through some of the tough stuff to do with how we were brought up right now, and is basically a wreck. Her health is failing her big-time which is not like her she is usually so fit and well.

Last night myself and Gary said we wanted to pray for them, so we sat in the living room, all joined hands and prayed.

First me, then Gary, then to my complete delight, Jill and then John. Exciting times ahead I think!!

Please just pray for their protection. I know God has good things planned for them.

Also looks like we could be moving back to Kingswood, there are a couple of possibilities so please pray that we get a Neon sign and that this will be the last move. Gary and I so need to settle now, and last night was amazing and even though tough, gave us a tiny glimpse of things to come. Maybe we will be able to have people round our new house for regular healing prayer, who knows? Only God!

Have a great day if you're reading this! I am going swimming with Jill, Kiefer is back at nursery on Thursdays, so I have a bit of time for the house and myself. (Probably be packing again soon!!)

Some pics

2007-01-11T06:24:00.000Z

Ok so I can't seem to get these to run in order but this is Jayden's dedication cake. Incidentally the name Jayden means "God hears". How cool is that?
Ashleigh got herself some party clothes for her various social events. I can't believe how much she has grown up, sometimes I still see her as a 5 year old! Ashleigh and Kiefer, both changing so much and both making me feel very proud. I am thankful that they are God's children and that he is directing me on raising them.

Just before Christmas we went to Jayden's dedication in Weston which was amazing. I arranged a little Baby Shower for Naomi, Jayden's Mum before she had him last year. I am so thankful to God that she is now following Jesus and has also committed Jayden to Jesus. The photo is Me, Kiefer, Mary (my friend who is Jayden's Grandma) and of course, Mr J himself! Poor Jayden was very tired.

Last blog of 2006

2006-12-31T23:59:00.000Z

Well this is it, just another 35 more minutes of 2006 and then it is gone- forever!

In some ways I am glad, there have been moments in 2006 which I am only too glad to leave behind.

In retrospect, and in the shortest possible way I will try and list the things which I have learned from 2006 and I will try and list some of the highs and lows too, but I have to be quick I am not at fast as typing as I used to be and I now only have 33 minutes left!!

Ok ...............

Things learned:

* True friends are in it with you for the long haul, they do not bail out when things get tough, and even though you may not get to see them more then once a fortnight, those friends are the juice, the bomb etc!! Those friends are the best and I salute them, I look forward to another year of journeying with them.

*Family is worth fighting for, and worth putting first, when I finally put my family in their rightful slot it paid HUGE dividends, God knows His stuff, the advice I got from His Word concerning my family has been the best ever. The WBS helped greatly with this, and even though I was sometimes in a crappy place, I needed to hear this stuff and be challenged.

*My Prayers are listened to, can't go into it right now, but had a major breakthrough with my sister today and am sure she is going to be making a commitment that will change her life in the next year. Her walk with God has begun!! Momentous!!

*My husband is worth more than I give him credit for, he deserves a medal for the stuff he has put up with over the past year. I thank God for Gary and his patience and his strength. (25 mins left!!)

*I have also learned that trying to go back and rekindle old things from the past is not always a good idea, and it is important to remember that people have choices and that they will move on with or without you, and not necessarily in the direction that I had hoped for. It is always worth perservering in prayer though. I have recently seen a gross-out, full-on ugly-bug situation and the only force in the Galaxy that is going to change it is God. I will keep praying.

HIGHS-

Lebanon and Damascus- Katie and Helen, you are both stars! I will always cry when I look at the photos, I am so glad that God made a way where there was no way for me to go.

Might sound shallow, but getting on the right side of 10 stone made me feel incredibly happy and proud of myself for exercising some self-control and discipline. I bought a size 10 dress! I aim to start running a bit more seriously if time allows this year.

Looking after my friends cats and dogs and surviving it happily, just knowing that God carried me and the kids through that week was amazing, and the firework display in Clevedon was great too.

Seeing my sister start going out with someone who has a good faith in God. Knowing that she had finally broken the pattern of getting into abusive relationships.

Having an appointment in Norfolk with a specialist in PTSD and Dissociation in February, and being able to realistically hope for a change in my health.

LOWS -
Maybe best forgotten, but I may need to look back on this and remember where I have come from.

The last quarter of this year I have been more suicidal than I care to remember. I can honestly say that if I were not a Christian I would not be here.

Leaving our home in Kingswood, knowing that the every day contact I had with some amazing people would end.

Learning of the death of someone I only met once, but feeling privileged to know that I had met her and prayed that she would meet Jesus. Not knowing whether she did or not.

Having to get Gary to come home from work more than once because I was not coping with life, on any level, not able to dress Kiefer or even make myself a drink. Thank God that Ashleigh is so helpful.

Favourites things of 2006

High School Musical - excellent film.

Slimbridge Wildfowl Trust, I love it even more now than I ever did.

Leigh Woods, never been there before Christmas Eve, but now love it.

Church Houseparty- good time.

The Mall -shopping with Ashleigh having fun trying on new dresses!! (So girly!)

Making shortbread- with Ashleigh

Making chocolate cake- with Keeks, photos to follow in 2007

Jayden's Dedication - photos to follow also.

Seeing Jill and John together, and him tell me how much he loves her.

Sunday evening prayer meetings at BV office, excellent times.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!

I am feeling so depressed

2006-12-24T19:20:00.000Z

that I think I am going to be sick.

Please someone help me.

Daily Laugh

2006-12-18T13:44:00.000Z

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,"Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time

(I just LOVE reading this next line again and again.)

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

Theft and Vandalism!

2006-12-12T06:02:00.000Z

Not too happy this morning, it is 6.02 am and Gary has woken me to tell me that his moped which he uses to get to work has been stolen.

I am pretty angry about this, the silly dog didn't even bark even though it was kept right by the front door, she was probably sleeping!

On the other hand, I am sort of relieved too. It had been threatening to happen for a while now, things had been pinched off it like mirrors and indicators, and now, darn it, they have taken the thing itself. If anything was making me feel edgy that was one of the things that did, the fact that I "knew" it was a sitting duck waiting to happen.

I was out yesterday evening, but Gary tells me that at around 9ish Ashleigh came downstairs and said that she couldn't sleep cos a van was running its' engine opposite our house. Gary went outside to ask if they could switch the engine off, as soon as they saw him coming they took off. Slightly suspicious, some might say.

So now it looks as though we have to rethink and make some decisions. I am not going to move Ashleigh to a closer school, that poor girl has moved schools enough and she is happy in Kingswood so right now we are thinking that we will probably go back there to live. We moved here to get a 3 bed with a garden (and we hoped there would be more family support, but it has not worked out that way, sadly) and now hopefully we can do just one more swap, like for like.

Gary's job is going to be difficult without his moped, bearing in mind that his van is kept at the Royal Mail Base in Filton. The bosses don't like the employees taking the vans home and parking them in the street which is understandable when there is a safe, locked yard for the vans to be in.

So right now, we are feeling a bit directionless, maybe I will get a job instead and Gary can look after Kiefer, we all know that he is more patient and more able to ignore bad behaviour than I am. We both admit that we are looking forward to the parenting course in January though, as Kiefer is definitely going through a most challenging phase and I am quite wrung out from all the tantrums that he has been having of late. I would find being in adult company a welcome break to be perfectly honest.

Items for prayer;

Jobs; who should be working and transport over Christmas and the New Year whilst Gary has no bike. If it is me who will be working that the right job would come up.

House; Back to Kingswood please, nearer to Ashleigh's school and Kiefer's nursery. Kiefer will also be going to school there we hope, the year after Ashleigh has left. Ashleigh leaves there 2008, Kiefer would start in 2009 if all goes well. I have to start thinking more long-term, Ashleigh's friends will all be going to South Glos schools so it is probably a good idea to let her go there too. I also worked out that by the time Kiefer has fiished basic secondary education, not including sixth form or anything I will be 47, right now I am 33, I have to invest the next 14 years in the area where the kids are educated, it just makes more sense for me. I need to be close and feel involved.

Please bear in mind that it is still only 6.31 and most of this is early morning rambling, I guess the thought processes will unravel more as time goes on, and I may even change my mind about some things, but for right now this is real, now I just have to get through the day.

Ashleigh - Chocolate Girl!!

2006-11-20T18:34:00.000Z

P1010284
Originally uploaded by worthyoflove.

Superheroes Day meant we got to be original. Ashleigh was Chocolate Girl.

Keeks spiky

2006-11-20T18:32:00.000Z

P1010290
Originally uploaded by worthyoflove.

Just taken this morning.

Glib

2006-11-15T12:42:00.000Z

I will just be that for now. I am fundamentally ok I guess, just feeling a bit messy right now. Jealous of something, pleased about something else, confused about the area I feel happiest living in, the list is endless really.

Thank God that He is constant and consistent, when I am floundering around like a half-dead- fish who tried to jump out of its bowl, and then wished it hadn't, because it needs to be back in its rightful habitat!! (Until I am strong enough to go swimming with the other fish in that big glorious pond, I will not spend eternity in that place of limitation!)

I know this is all so very vague, but vague describes me perfectly well for now. I am in truth, sick of myself. I long for the day when I feel more consistent. Despite my best efforts to have quiet times, pray pretty much whenever I think of it, fellowship regularly with some really amazing, strong kick-ass Christians I still swing from "Mountain-top Amanda" to "Suicide Amanda".

God, I so want to be free of these inescapable times which are incredibly hard to live through. Please just keep me safe and help me to run to Your Word when darkness hits me like a brick wall with no warning.

To anyone who may be reading this, I really cannot stress enough the importance of the Armour of God, when I forget to use it I fall into the same old pitfalls, so be wise, use your weapons, and I will try hard to take my own advice. Gosh I sound like Baz Luhrmann of "Sunscreen" fame. SAD, but brilliant too.

If you don't know what all that is about, see below;

EVERBODY'S FREE (TO WEAR SUNSCREEN)
12/06/1999 - 1 week at #1 - 16 weeks on chart

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97

Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth,
oh never mind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked, you are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind, the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults, if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life, the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can, don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Brother and sister together we'll make it through Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurtin, but I've been waitin' to be there for you And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings, they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard, Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen

Brother and sister together we'll make it through Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurtin, but I've been waitin' to be there for you And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can
Everybody's free oh yeah
Everybody's free oh yeah

Cats and Dogs! Request for prayer!

2006-10-31T22:38:00.000Z

Myself, Ashleigh and Kiefer are in Clevedon for a week looking after my friends' 7 dogs and 5 cats.

Ashleigh is allergic to cats, but we came armed with anti-histamines.

She is maxed out on anti-histamines as I type this and has taken max doses of her inhalers today too. I have got some dusting to do tomorrow and maybe that will help, I am not sure.

I feel so bad that she is suffering like this because I came to help a friend that was in need. Her face is all rashy and swollen and she is so self-conscious of it too. I guess I am maybe learning something but it is not fair on her, poor kid..

Please please pray that she improves because if she doesn't she will have to go and stay with my parents or Gary's Mum over the weekend and we were looking forward to doing Bonfire night at a display as a family.

Will update tomorrow with hopefully better news.

A Good Point

2006-10-30T18:18:00.000Z

Driving back from Biddestone this afternoon Gary came up with quite a good point. We have been talking a lot about Noah lately and I happened to mention I thought it quite sad that after the flood and after Noah's vineyard had been successful he got drunk. I just find that sad because God knew he was the only good man left of his time, so clearly a man we should look up to but he blew it (as we all do!!) by getting drunk. I have no idea why it just says this; (The Message version)

20 Noah, a man of the soil, proceeded [a] to plant a vineyard. 21 When he drank some of its wine, he became drunk and lay uncovered inside his tent.

Anyway Gary's point was "So basically God started again with just 8 people, so that would mean that every single person on this planet originates from those 8! We all descend from Noah in some way, after all the world was repopulated by him, his wife, his 3 sons and their 3 wives."

Well, I know that, but I had never really thought about it that way. It has made me think about things a bit differently, as in we are all family. Everyone on the planet that is!! My next door neighbours could be my 19th thousand cousins six times removed or suchlike but the bottom line is this, I need to be treating people better. ALL PEOPLE, not just the ones I already like.

Hmmmm challenging!

A Joke

2006-10-30T18:15:00.000Z

A sign was hanging in an office window.

It read:

Help wanted.Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.

A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.

The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."
The dog pointed to the line:
"An equal opportunity employer.

"So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it."
The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."

Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer. The manager still wasn't convinced.
"I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

Suspected Chickenpox and a Divine Appointment!!

2006-10-22T18:29:00.000+01:00

This morning I noticed a few suspicious-looking spots on Mr Keeks, it might not be chickenpox but it is equally likely that it is. Ah welll the joys of parenthood!!

After church myself and Ashleigh went to look at a sofa quite near church, it was an interesting half-hour. We got chatting to the lady and her daughter and a broken elbow was mentioned which had not fixed properly. The girl used to enjoy swimming competitively and is really missing it. My heart started beating faster and I felt a surge of excitement, we offered to pray for her and it was readily taken-up. Myself and Ashleigh just asked that Jesus would fix her arm so that she would be able to swim again.

Now we wait and see..........

Hee hee hee, it is lovely to get appointments like this after my recent blackness. Don't get me wrong, all is not sunshine and roses yet, (I live in hope!) but I do love God for using me despite me, and when things like this happen there is absolutely no doubt that God is behind it all and that is when I feel most happy and most free.

Right off to the prayer meeting.

2006-10-20T13:12:00.000+01:00

Your Hope
Track 11 Two
Written by Aaron Kamin and Alex Band of "The Calling"

When your hope is lost
When your hope is fading
What would you do if you had
Just one little pill in your hand
That changed around all you could be
That helped you forget what you’ve seen
If all you ever wanted was to let go
(There are so many things that we just don’t know about)

Chorus:
When your hope is lost and you can’t take it
Now you’ve come too far, to let them break it
You think it would be all right
To live someone else’s life
Trust what you already have
Cause once you fall in you can’t turn back
If all you ever wanted was to let go
I think we all know what its like to feel alone)

Chorus:

You’ve got to throw those thoughts away
Before you make a big mistake
You’ve lost control been thrown off track
But now its time to take it back, take it back
You have to want to
You have to want to
(There are so many things)

Chorus:
When your hope is lost
When your hope is fading
When your hope is lost

I haven't been this "foggy" for such a long time. I am trying my utmost to hang on to Jesus right now but this song sums up how life is for me. I am trying to hold on but my grip is weak to say the least.

If you read this please pray that I get the right professional help that I have been seeking for the past 7 years. Psychological stuff scares me, but if God is bringing the dross to the surface to be got rid of once and for all I will be thankful, but if this "Refining" I have to be honest and say I don't like it AT ALL!!! For those wishing to understand how life is for me on a daily basis google "Dissociative Identity Disorder" and "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" it really is only God who is keeping me alive right now. In my own strength I am/have nothing.

I keep telling myself "God is Bigger and He loves me" and that is about as complex as I can manage right now.

Broadband Ahoy!!

2006-10-15T21:48:00.000+01:00

So finally Talktalk has kicked in after much ado and we are finally experiencing the blessing of Broadband. HURRAY!!!!!

It is nice to be able to blog again and a lot has been happening of late.

High Points

The weekend away which we have just returned from - more on that soon when I am not so tired.

My friend Claire finding a house to exchange to is a big answer to prayer, she will hopefully be moving closer to us quite soon.

The Confidence Building course which I have been going to on Monday afternoons has been really good and an opportunity to share a bit of my faith with others.

Opportunities to pray with others.

I am not going to do Low points because they have been numerous of late and I am drawing a line under them and moving on.

Our "family boat" went astray. The crew went AWOL and no-one was in charge or taking responsibility. Our little vessell (metaphorically speaking this is ) went so far off course that the crew members were more interested in arguing with each other than on keeping their boat afloat.

We lost sight of God and that He is for families, that He loves us and that He has given authority to myself and Gary for Ashleigh and Kiefer. We also forgot that we are adults and resorted to childish tactics to win arguements and get our own way.

We need to change, and it has to start from NOW, there is a real urgency to get this family back on track, so please pray and if anyone gets any encouraging words or pictures for us please let us know.

A coouple of weeks ago I got to go on the "What is worship" conference and I attended a seminar by Mal and Chriscelle Calladine. They talked about family and how in their last home they had had photos on the walls of biological family and on another wall pictures of God family. This is something which I hope to do in our newly decorated lounge when it is finished. I also liked what they said about "step time" which is when 2 members of the family have a conflict and they have to sit on the step until they have resolved their conflict and made up. This applies to adults and children alike.

Ho Hum, interesting times ahead!!! I wonder how many hours of step time will have occurred between now and the end of October??

Watch this space...... I hope myself and Gary will visit our couches at some point!! (This is said in jest with Gary's approval, incidentally.)

Nothing much

2006-09-23T13:31:00.000+01:00

I like THIS blog. I have got mellow and I have a real enjoyment for dresses right now. I guess it comes with age. The most recent post there is brill and hilarious.

As for life in general, I am really struggling right now. Pretty much in every area and it is hard, REALLY hard. I am finding being a full-time stay-at-home-mum to a 19 month old male tot a complete nightmare on some days.

The temper tantrums are getting worse by the day and I want to kill myself sometimes.

Just pray please.

Happy Birthday Ashleigh!

2006-09-16T09:39:00.000+01:00

Today our Bash-bash is 10! I can't believe that this time 10 years ago I was in hospital thoroughly washed out after 42 hours in labour and then finally an emergency c-section. Things have certainly changed a bit in those last 10 years, and definitely for the better I have to say.

Back then I was married to Ashleigh's Dad and I had the pretentious surname of "Lewis-Poole" *drops head, blushes and looks a bit ashamed*. I had 2 dogs and I really only "did" God in extreme emergencies and that was usually to tell Him that if He bailed me out of whatever situation I was currently in I would dutifully attend church on Sunday, but I rarely did. I was too scared to go back to my childhood church for fear of judgement, and it really did not occur to me that there were other churches out there which I could've tried should I have felt the desire. (The biggest desire back then was the clubbing lifestyle to be fair, many thanks go to God for getting me over that destructive little phase!)

Still, I must focus on the positives. I have a beautiful girl who is still debating whether or not she would like her ears pierced today or not. I suspect she will, but ultimately it's her choice. I am feeling very proud of the Bashleigh as she also got elected onto the School council last week, which just confirmed to myself and Gary that we did the right thing in keeping her at her present school, and not moving her into a different one just because we had moved house.

Today we are going girlie shopping and I can't wait, it will be great just to have some time to ourselves, we are not going to rush but just enjoy the time together.

Life is sweet today!

The current theme with God is Submission, Surrender and Sacrifice. It may sound harsh to some, but these times are invaluable, assure me of my identity and make me feel incredibly safe. If I stay in my boundaries and keep in line with Gods' will I will learn to be more content, peaceful and happy.

All Good Stuff.

2006-09-06T15:41:00.000+01:00

I have just got back from Clevedon, visiting a dear friend. I got to play with some lovely puppies and just to have a bit of a catch up really. Right now I am in Kingswood library with Ashleigh beside me, we had better leave soon though, I have to consider Gary and Kiefer.

The last week has gone by in a bit of a rush really. Last night was weightwatchers and I am managing to maintain myself for the time being, but realistically if I can just shift another 2.5 lbs that will be 2 stone in total gone. I am feeling really good about that, it has been quite hard at times, but I am glad that I have managed to do it.

Tomorrow afternoon I am going to be hanging out at The Body Shop in Clifton for 3 hours so that will be fun. After that I will straight off to House group for good food and fantastic company. I am feeling rather upbeat at the moment and looking forward to the ladies day that has been organised for this weekend. Sunday is Body Shop Regional day, so that will be fun too. Noisy but fun!! Get a couple of hundred women together who all know a lot about the same thing and it is such a laugh!!

Next week will be much quieter and calmer and I look forward to it. This week is just a little too busy for my liking, but I have already decided to keep my peace and joy and just go with it, try and keep an ear open to The Holy spirit and act, and react according to God's will.

Anyway better go home......

Landed!

2006-09-02T23:50:00.000+01:00

I just read this from a blog I posted back in January this year;

"please pray that we would be able to move back to more central Bristol, (Whitehall, Redfield, Easton) we feel as though our time in Kingswood has come to an end, and we have outgrown our maisonette. We would love to have a normal house with a garden and then we can have all our friends round for a BBQ in the summer! It has to be on a bus route back to Kingswood though, so that poor Ashleigh doesn't have to move schools again. She needs continuity and she loves her school, God knows that, so now we just have to be patient. If anyone gets any words or anything please leave them in the comments for me."

How wonderful that we moved and had our bbq. Big thanks to God there!! We have now been in our new home 2 weeks and although we have lots of decorating and unpacking still to do, we all agree that it feels like home.

We are on dial-up at the moment, but will be getting TalkTalk BB at the end of September. We are doing ok, but to be fair we are all exhausted. Ashleigh is staying at her school in Kingswood so that she will have the continuity she needs. I will have to be more disciplined to be out of the house with her at 8.20 every morning to drive to Kingswood.

One of my best friends from our old house is also looking for a 3 bed with a garden and she is prepared to move more down this way. If she did move down this way we could share the journeys to school between us, like an American Car Pool. Her name is Claire and I have mentioned her before in my blog she was the girl who didn't want her baby to be born on 06-06-06. She is beginning to see how prayer changes things so please pray for this folks, it would mean a lot to us. Claire is not yet a follower of Jesus but I reckon it is only a matter of time.

Ah well bed calls, thanks to those who wrote encouraging comments recently. Emotionally I am pretty wrung-out and the temptation to give in to old behaviours is something which I am battling with daily right now. It is so weird, the thing I don't want to do most, sometimes looks so attractive. I think when you are feeling under pressure you welcome anything which takes pressure off you, but the truth is the quick fix really isn't worth it. I want to build something worthwhile not just a temporary shelter, right now I guess I would be pouring cement into the foundations!! Long old process...........

Moving On

2006-08-18T13:43:00.000+01:00

I am feeling so mixed up today. Happy and excited one moment and sad about the things I didn't do whilst we lived here the next moment. I can't change anything now, but I wish I had been a bit nicer to one of my neighbour's sons. He and Ashleigh always seemed to be in the throes of hostility so it was quite strained all round at times. I am now asking myself did I really reflect Jesus in that relationship?

The sad answer to that question is a big, fat NO!

I am feeling really ashamed of myself right now and thoroughly convicted. I am supposed to be an ambassador for God but I still find it so hard to forgive. It is my time to cry today, and I feel so full of remorse for my shitty behaviour. At one point I was so fed up with the bullying that Ashleigh was receiving that I even threatened him. I was at total breaking point. God, right now I really feel like I am going to do myself some damage, but how many more scars can my left arm wear?

Can I really continue to hate myself this much?

Lord Jesus, only you know how truly sorry I am. Only you can help to restore what is wrong and make it right. Please help me to forgive J you know how angry I got at times, and you know I came close to losing it once or twice. I need to learn to be the bigger person especially when it comes to dealing with children. I am thankful that I feel so protective over my own children but please help me to find a safe balance and to channel my anger appropiately and to deal with conflict with Godly wisdom.
Please give me strength I need to get through this difficult time and to put right the wrongs which I have created.

Amen

Busy packing!

2006-08-17T21:49:00.000+01:00

It is Thursday night and I am taking a few minutes to just tell the world that we are moving house in 2 days time. I would like to thank the people who are praying for this weekend to run smoothly and I would REALLY like to thank the people who are giving up their time and energy to make this happen.

Please don't expect any blog entries for a while, well at least a fortnight after as we have to change ISP and everything! I am a bit bummed that I will lose my email address as that is a big deal to me. I like being "worthyoflove" @ something or other. I will just have to pray that address is available with my new ISP or I may have to get imaginitive and find a new one. Either way it is a relatively small price to pay for a 3 bed house with a decent sized garden. I am very much looking forward to having bedrooms and bathroom upstairs and it will be great for Ashleigh to not have to share with Mr Keeks. I know she has found it tough, but I am sure that it has boosted her tolerance levels!!

Anyway I better go and help Gary, I think we are like 95% packed now so it is just cleaning and a few bits left to do. How good am I though? I dismantled our bed at 7am this morning, I am sure that I will pay for it tomorrow!!!

Tats for now x